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I hate the mirror and seeing my face,
Constantly thinking I'm a disgrace.
My insecurities, milk spots and teeth
I'm so much more, underneath.

All the time I feel so low
Trying not to, but living life silo.
Wanting to be social, more like 'me'
That fear of the phone I can't shake free

Coming home to a place so empty,
Nobody there to greet me on entry.
I want someone with all my heart,
Feels like I'm missing a crucial part.

I know there's somebody right out there,
To whom I can be with, love and care.
Kind of feels like I'm wasting my life,
Oh when will I find my future wife.

I spend too much time at work, it's mad
I can't seem to help it, I know it's sad.
See I've got no reason to come home,
It's that feeling of being alone.

One day we'll meet and greet you'll see,
And maybe just maybe you'll fall for me.
Not just what you see here in my face,
Perhaps I'll manage to make your heart race.


I think I'll still find a love pure and true,
One to feel just between me and you.
I think it will grow, be happy with family,
Maybe you'll walk down the isle to me gladly.

Till then I know I've got some growing,
Deal with these insecurities showing.
A confident man with no worries in mind,
I'll just keep looking, hoping to find.

Pivotal Moments

I'm not one for fate. I like to romantacise and imagine that we are somehow intertwined in some pattern and are heading to that one person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with. It's a womderful and usually heart warming thought, but it's not for me.

Having said that, I can think of what my pivotal moment was and last night I was told of a couple of brilliant ones over the past couple of weeks.

The first pivotal moment is one of my friends worked in Portugal as a holiday rep in a kids club. She met her husband and father of soon to be three children there. Only Portugal wasn't her original destination, I've actually forgotten where she was supposed to be heading but, either way that moment where she said "yes" to going instead to Portugal is that moment. Even though it's a certainty her life would be immeasureably different if she would have have said no, I know she wouldn't change a thing.

The second is one where a woman met her husband on his stag doo. At the last minute, she was invited to Blackpool by an old friend and decided to call a hotel she'd used before. They hadn't got any vacancies but the girls decided they'd go either way. Just before leaving she had a call from the hotel who said they had a cancellation so took that room. Cooincidence enough in itself, but the last thing is a simple shift swap, she called another of my friends to swap a Saturday. Obviously he agreed, but what if he already had something planned and couldn't swap the shift...

Mine (or at least the current one) doesn't have a happy ending (at the moment), but I can tell you when one tiny decision changed the course of my life. When I was at college, I had to do a meaningless BTEC course to be able to re-do my English Literature GCSE. I overslept and missed the exam the first time. So in my second year I was able to start A levels. One day, can't remember what month, date or day, but I decided not to go to my history class and just go home. It was in the bus station, I bumped into a girl I'd dated (however shortly) at school. The long and short of it after that is that we got together and ended up living together. But that moment, on the way to history, I could have gone to the library, a detour to get some food, gone shopping... anything and I'd be in a whole other world right now.

I don't know that I have regrets. I know I'd do some things very, very, differently, but I don't think I'd want to be anywhere else in my life than where I am right now. I have great friends and I'm in a place where I finally feel happy.

So that's that anyway. See if you can figure it out. One key moment or mini event that put you on an alternate track. Don't do what I do though and get bogged down in thinking about the nigh on infinate potential possibilities.

What Do You Think?

I was told recently by someone that they'd done research on me. Now I won't lie, at first that kind of freaked me out. Then I started thinking. Who doesn't talk to their friends about other people? I know I do. And that doesn't mean I'm bitching, I'm far too nice to bitch. Sure I have opinions but again, who doesn't.

So firstly, the reason I was freaked out a little is because nobody has ever said that they've done research on me before. I wasn't quite sure how to take it. I wasn't worried or anything, just a bit befuddled. It didn't take me long to determine whom the questions had been directed too. In fact I knew literally straight away, I'm clever like that. I then started thinking about what that person might say and that intrigued me.

The questions asked, if there were more than one aren't so important. In my head I asked myself one; what do you think of yourself? Now a normal person more than likely would give a short and simple answer, me on the other hand I think too much.

Here is what I think of myself;

I think that all round I'm a nice person. I tend to put other people before myself and I'm fairly generous. I have trouble saying no to people and find it almost impossible with others. I would say that I'm loyal and honest and if asked I'll do what I can to help with anything. I'm easy to get on with, but I can be quite shy if Idon't know someone very well and even then it takes time for me to be truly comfortable with someone. I'm dedicated in almost anything I do and I'm a gentleman.

When I get angry, I can be overbearing and condescending. I am far too addicted to my job. Although I put other people first, I have been known to be incredibly selfish and self centred. I don't do well with being told what to do and don't like it at all when people don't listen. I can be arrogant and cocky and egotistical. When I'm moody, I'm just a foul person. I'm often too cheeky and sometimes don't know when to shut up. I have a habit of getting on my high horse about things and not coming off it because I'm as stubborn as a rock. Hiccups annoy me no end whether it's me who has them or someone else.

In summary, that will do. My personal evaluation is something I do on a daily basis. I'm always thinking "I should/shouldn't have said this/that" etc, but now to the point.

Although the title of this post is suggesting so, I'm not actually asking you directly what you think, feel free to tell me if you wish though. My point is, the person who was asked what they think of me happens to be one of the nicest and happiest people I've ever met and without being told I pretty much knew what was said. What if it'd been someone else?

I don't know what everyone thinks of me. Most people don't have two pence worth of a pound of a clue who I am, but if it had been someone that doesn't like me or has a grudge against me, what was said could have been very different. I'm quite self aware and know that all of the above and infinitely more is true of myself, but what someone else would say... I think that is very, very interesting.

On Behalf Of Us All...

I hope you won't think too bold of me to say, but I think I speak for all my colleagues when I say we are gutted.

It's hard for me to put into words exactly what it is I'm feeling. I have been working in the office for almost seven years now, I think of it as a second home. My desk is my own space and I have some awesome people around me. And now, out of the blue, everything is going to change.

I know a lot of people are angry. That's normal I suppose. I had a flash of anger when we were told. Yeah we have ninety odd days now, but surely this has been in scope for some time, would it have been so terrible to let us know this might be happening?

After those initial thoughts, devastation set in. That is literally what it was. I love my office, I feel like it's a part of me in a way. I've most definitely spent more time there than anywhere else in the last few years (mostly due to overtime though). I have seen it go through changes like it was growing up, breaking down walls and being more open. I saw it get a makeover and invite lots of new people in. I even know where the best flushing toilet is for when I need a good poo.

I didn't quite cry, but I'll admit I was bloody close. The stress of having to figure out such a massive lifestyle change has really started hitting home and I know I'm going to have to be a little bit (maybe a lot) tighter with my money and really making sure I can even manage it.

Then I started thinking about everyone else. The managers who will take the brunt of the frustration from their teams. The daunting task of having to tell people over the phone because they're on holiday or a day off. Trying to keep their teams motivated to continue working as well as they do each and every day. That can't be easy. I don't envy them at all.

Then there are the people who are much more settled than I. I am single and live in a rented flat by myself. If needs be I can look to move to make things easier for me. Unfortunately not everyone has that option; there are young adults who still live at home. Parents who have their children at nursery and don't want to move them. The likelihood is that those people are also homeowners who have no choice but to commute. And there are those who won't be able to make the move at all.

After all of that (and I've not stopped yet it keeps mulling over) I think about what this really means. Our company is huge. It has a very big budget and lots to offer for its people. It's not great that this is happening and honestly I wish it wasn't, but I know when the dust settles and we look around, we'll all still be standing.

We are and always have been one of the best centres. Full stop. It doesn't matter what they throw our way, whether we agree with it or not, we get our heads down and we do it. And you can be damn sure we do it well too. If they want us to move, we will move and I say when we get there we'll be better than ever. We'll make a new home and in the end it will be better than this one. Apparently there's going to be air conditioning too... All I've got to do is try and find the toilet with the best flush.

Heads down and chins up.