Another Year

For anyone who has read any of my previous posts I would like to state that this one will not be in the same comical tone. As it is New Year and there is a lot going on in all our lives I am going to be taking a more honest and direct approach. I will not be going into too much detail about anything because I don't think that's fair to anyone who knows me personally or has been affected by the events or happenings in my year.

I will be talking about my New Year Resolutions a little bit later on, and I will also be going over some turning points of this year as I mentioned but first I want to take you back through the memories of New Years I have. Please note that I have never been a club goer so spending extra money to get in somewhere I more than likely won't enjoy is obviously not appealing, but I think you'll agree it is better than the first year on this list…

2005 - I believe I spent the night in a Labour Club being one of only about fifteen people under the age of 50. The room was shoulder to shoulder old people - there was even a raffle and bingo. When those tremendously unexciting activities had ended we were then sung into the New Year by a mediocre female singer. So old people sweat, bad music and boredom…

2006 - I have come up with a blank on this. I actually don't know what I did. There is a vague recollection of what could have been the latter part of the night in 2005 but due to my lack of accuracy I will move on.

2007 - Is the first year I can remember having some level of enjoyment from a New Years Eve shindig although it wasn't without its hiccups. For a start I didn't actually go out until after 23:00 because I was waiting for someone to get ready. I was waiting so long I fell asleep reading a book. We were going to what was my local pub, that I had been frequenting on an almost daily basis for nearly two years and the landlord almost didn't let us in. At first I thought he was joking and when I realised he wasn't, I was not only mad at him for wanting to turn me away but I was mad for being late in the first place. A couple of hours later a few drinks down my neck and seeing a very close friend truly drunk for the first time and I cheered right up.

2008 - A couple of my friends had the monumental idea to have a BBQ for New Years Eve. It was great, we had good food and fireworks and everything. After the 00:00 mark we left and moved on, near where I live there is a live events rock club (I'm purposefully not naming it, if you know me you will know where I mean - If not there's no point in telling you anyway). I like it in there, it's never too busy, they play good music, still on this particular night for some reason I don't know (apart from drunken stupidity) I spent the rest of this night arguing. It was fairly ridiculous, I don't think either of us knows what we were arguing about or why but all I know is it didn't stop until we got back and fell asleep.

2009 - Again we went to the same rock club and the night itself went really quite well. No bad vibes, no arguments, no nothing. Then just as we got out of the taxi trouble arrived. Trouble was in the form of a young and preposterously drunk young girl. We tried to get her a taxi from outside our place but because she was alone and so drunk the driver wouldn't take her. She could barely stand let alone talk so after we managed to discover where she lived, about a ten minute walk from where we were, we decided we would walk her home. About 3 or 4 minutes after we'd set off she was complaining that her shoes were hurting her feet. Being the stupidly nice guy that I am, I gave her a piggy back to rest her feet for a while. The next thing I know some drunk guy stops us and punched me in the face - I managed to restrain him but only after he got some good punches in. Trying to calm down the person I was with whilst getting her to call the police, keeping hold of a guy bigger than me and trying not to let him punch me while reassuring the girl we were helping was not easy. So after the police came, the paramedics came to ensure I was ok even though it was a few punches and nothing serious, the police drove us back around the corner and we had to wait for some other officers to come and take a statement. The police left our place at about half four in the morning…

So leading up to this year - Which you will all have been out and done by the time you read this, I will be alone. For the first time since I have been old enough to drink I have no desire whatsoever to go out and celebrate the New Year coming in. That being said I also can't wait for this year to be over. Here is where the aforementioned tone will change. This year started out as one of the best I have ever had by far, I was surrounded by my friends with a holiday to New York booked and there wasn't a fat lot else I could have wanted, but even so something in me changed.

As I mentioned before, I am not going to go into too much detail but to put it simply I let go of the person mentioned in years 2007 - 2009. I cannot explain why my fear took hold so drastically and I cannot tell you how much I regret the decision I made. But nevertheless all mistakes are opportunities to learn. There is nothing I can do to get back what I lost and I don't know how long it will take me to move on from where I am, all I know is that it is something I have got to do.

As well as this life changing and terrible thing that I did, I was also off sick from work for almost two months I think. I don't mind telling you it was horrendous, any man that reads this will instantly cringe… I had an infection in my 'tubes'. And no it wasn't and STD - The pain was so bad that I could barely walk and sitting up was too painful to bear, I had to lounge on my sofa for weeks to recover. During this period of unrest and pain, I was not only heartbroken of my own doing I had convinced myself that I had testicular cancer and things were just getting worse. Not knowing how to deal with this amount of stress and emotion, I started smoking again. I hadn’t touched one for more than half a year but it was all I could do to ease my mind.

This year I will be 25, not old by any stretch but the plan I made for my life has drastically changed and I will be changing to adapt to that. My list of Resolutions or things to do this year is as follows:
1. Stop smoking again. If you have read my blog on smoking you will already know that. For me it's not a case of trying to quit, I will just stop.
2. To be stronger mentally and commit myself fully to all of the endeavours this year has to offer. That doesn't sound a lot but I am the kind of guy who leaves things half done. As of 2011 that part of me is gone.
3. To do things I actually want to; I am going to learn to play the guitar to start with. I want to do things that will not only challenge me but will be rewarding. And I love music so it only makes sense I learn to make my own.

I am not going to change myself. I have already established that I am more than I ever thought I was, I just need to alter things in me that already exist and I hope you will be with me in the coming year to see those things happen.

And as final note - hopefully I will be set to marry this woman;

For those of you stupid enough to not know who this woman is - it's Kelly Clarkson

The Holiday Season

Ah Christmas, one of the most magical times of the year without a doubt. People walking around in the freezing cold like a pack horse with dozens of bags, stressed about the list of people they have to buy for and somehow still have a smile on their face. There is just something in the air this time of year, I love it. For reasons I won't go into, I will not be so happy myself for this one, I'm going to try and get into the Christmas spirit but I sincerely hope it passes quite quickly.

Something that always makes me feel Christmassy though, is the Coca-Cola Holidays are Coming advert. A sheer classic that everybody loves to see, it's so old that it doesn't fill the whole screen (depending upon your TV), but it just puts a smile on your face. It was on in the breaks between the X-Factor a couple of weeks ago, my friend and I have an ongoing competition dating back the last couple of years to see who catches it first. I won 2008, he won 2009 and we saw it together on Sunday it was all very exciting in a very sad way. Nonetheless it did make me feel that Christmas is coming and aside from my personal love of that advert, that is kind of where it all begins.

I was one of those annoying and ridiculously happy people that just enjoyed every second of the holiday period, even the manic last minute shopping. Recently though (more like the last five years), since I have gained more understanding and perspective of the world I get really frustrated about the commercialisation of Christmas. For me it begins to take more and more of the magic away and it's always the big companies to blame. Now granted I am being a little unfair and biased at the same time because Coca-Cola have made it big from their Christmas campaigns. Did you know that Coca-Cola is mostly responsible for making Santa red? The famous image of Santa comes from the German Weihnachtsmann or Winter Nights Man in English who was the same look and style but wore green. Now Coke weren't the first to make Santa red but for being the biggest company to do so, it changed the way people viewed Santa from around the 1930's. So the power of advertising is a mighty, mighty thing.

I can forgive Coke though, the 30's were a different time, obviously and the world was a different place. Nowadays though adverts are used to con and coerce you into this and that, big companies quash their rivals with offers the smaller companies can't compete with and then the Christmas adverts come out. They always look so pretty with the snow and lots of smiling people asking Santa for this and that with the "ideal for Christmas" speech. Honestly that infuriates me, how can they possibly know what's "ideal" for the people you are planning to buy gifts for? Actually, no, you're 3 for 2 on bath sets are in no way "ideal" for anyone I know. That's my grievance with all things Christmas; all of a sudden everything becomes a perfect present even though it was on the shelves two months ago.

So on top of all the lying advertising campaigns, there is the Boxing Day sale. I loath, detest and despise it… mostly - you can pick up some bargains - but it's just another way shops laugh at you for buying something full price as a present and then selling it off in the sales miles cheaper a few days later because they can make more money out of you. The even funnier thing is that almost everyone is so skint from buying all their gifts before Christmas; they have barely any money to buy anything. Also we are all (most of us) in the same boat, because we know that January is going to be a very long month and payday seems to be an eternity away.

I also don’t like when people insist on telling you how much they've spent on someone. What's the point? Have you never heard the saying "you shouldn't give to receive"? As long as the person I am buying for is happy with their present why should it matter how much it cost and why should it cost at all? I'm not saying you should go out and steal things - maybe if you can get away with it… no I'm just kidding - maybe make something. Take the time and make the effort to give someone something that is completely personal and that not another soul in the world will have. That is the kind of thing that is missing about Christmas, so you can brag to me all you like about spending a bazillion pounds on someone because we will all know just how superficial you are.

That leads me nicely to what I do love about Christmas though. I love the togetherness of it all. I rarely see my family, not because we don't get on or anything; we just aren't very close. I talk to my mom every now and again but that's about it. There is always this day though, this one crazy day in the year where we all usually come together and eat a turkey (or pork because my mom thinks turkey is dry) and just sit down at the table and then watch a film on the TV together. If I wanted to I suppose I could make the trip up there every weekend or so but there just is something different about doing it at Christmas and in a way (at least for me) it makes it that little bit more special. It has a purpose and a meaning, if you do something all the time it becomes the norm so maybe that’s why I enjoy it that little bit more.

In an odd way Christmas makes me want to be a dad. Any of the previous bah-humbugness that I was talking about would all just disappear for me. Kids will have the magic of Christmas all around them and I think it's beautiful to watch. Writing a letter to Santa is one of my favourite things to see, when I was a kid my grandma had a coal fire and my sister and me would write it on special paper and address it to the North Pole and drop it in the fire. The cookies and milk or sometimes brandy, and some carrots for the reindeer, you just never forget things like that. They are the kind of things that people should never stop doing. When I am grown up and actually do have children of my own (two, a boy and a girl) I will be fearful of the day when they stop believing in old St. Nick so that their eyes can remain blissfully ignorant to all the things that make boring old grown ups moan about Christmas.

I love Christmas films too, the old ones at least, the new ones are not so great. The Santa Claus with Dudley More is an old favourite of mine because it always brings back the memory of watching it when I was younger on a tiny TV in the living room with my mom, brother and sister. And the Muppet Christmas Carol is brilliant as well, although Michael Cain cannot sing at all. Still as much as I get annoyed by the blatant Buy Buy Buy attitude of almost every store in the westernised world the sentimental and nostalgic aspect of Christmas keeps me smiling (usually).

So on that note, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, may it be full of good food, good times and all of your family and friends.

Excuse Me.

Manners. They don't cost a thing do they? Although you might think they do these days. There are so many people who just aren't polite it's untrue, and that's just in the tiny corner of the world I live in. I fear that the rest of the world is becoming increasingly abrupt and ill mannered because complaining seems to be the way forward. I'm not having a go, but think about it (except for work) when was the last time you said "you're welcome" or let someone go first at the bar (obviously that one isn't applicable to work anyway) or if you can honestly say you do all the time when did someone last say it to you?

I am polite almost to a fault. Honestly, I always say please and thank you. I always say you're welcome and I like to say have a nice/good day as much as possible too. It can be argued that this is as result of working in a call centre and it is true that you're welcome and have a nice/good day are recent additions to my day to day interactions but I have always been polite. I was raised well. It's as simple as that. My mom would tell me off for not holding the door or not saying please and thank you etc. and as annoying as it is at the time, I am glad that she did. I am from a fairly common place (when I say fairly, I'm being nice it is very common) with broad accents and in your face opinions. I managed to not turn out like that at all; I am reserved and courteous at all times.

I like being polite though and I think people find it weird sometimes and it makes them smile when I say you're welcome or something like that because it's so rare these days and that is so sad. I am hopefully infecting the people I work and socialise with because it becomes something you just pick up on after a while and start doing. Obviously I'm not saying that everyone in the world is rude but I don't think it's even questionable that there is far less politeness that there used to be. Everything feels more demanded and ordered than asked for and requested.

Even smiling… That's another thing, people just don't smile anymore. Especially when asking for something how about a smile once in a while, I rarely get a smile back, there's this one woman who works in a petrol station just over the road from my office and she is miserable. I have made it a sort of personal goal to make her smile just once. And I don't mean like that. You couldn't get me drunk enough but you know what I mean, if I'm nice enough she might just smile and say thank you without sounding like the words are annoying to her. I am however assuming she is still capable of smiling…

Of all the things that I find annoying though, not holding the door for someone is the worst. There is no excuse for it if you ask me, I go for about ten seconds, if someone is more than ten seconds away I think its acceptable otherwise you are just plain rude. It's not going to kill you to show an ounce of courtesy and patience when the situation calls for it and if you're really going to moan about it, just call it your good deed for the day. In fact, think of it this way; if you have ever worked in a shop or behind a counter or in fact anywhere where you have to face or speak to customers of any kind on a regular basis you will appreciate this. You know when you have one of those days where you've had nothing but hassle and you just want someone to give you a break? Yeah, how good does it feel when someone is just nice, not even specifically nice to you but happy, polite and just nice? I don't know about you but I just want to hug those people for rescuing me from a calamitous day.

It baffles me how people just don't bother with manners though, the kind of people who have the "Well they wouldn't do it for me." attitude. That is absurd logic to me, seriously how old are you? And do you know what? It is almost always those kinds of people who are giving the hassle to the rest of the world anyway. They need to gain some kind of perspective and understand that being rude can be incredibly disheartening when it's day in and day out. If there is a problem, instead of arguing, causing a fuss and kicking off try to understand and politely discuss the options. I have never been rude to anyone and I have always managed to sort things out by being understanding and patient. What is the point in getting worked up?

People who start shouting, really make me angry. I always want to interject and find out why whoever it is feels the need to belittle a complete stranger and make a scene somewhere. I have never felt the need to fly off the handle at anyone before in my life and I never will. Feeling angry at the person who is more than likely pointlessly angry is bad enough, I feel more for the poor person on the receiving end. I have so much empathy in situations like that, like this one time (exactly as I have been saying) I was in KFC and it wasn't particularly busy but the guy serving me was trying to get someone to help him put some of my bucket together. I think he was asking for the fries to be done or something, but the girl he asked, who was doing nothing, just sat there and said "He's your customer." The guy was clearly having one of those aforementioned calamitous days and I said to him when he came back round something like; "One day someone will notice how hard you work and you'll be given a break. Keep your chin up in the meantime and thank you for my food." He said cheers and took the next order but I like to think I had an affect on his day because we have all been there and sometimes it's all you need.

I think that impatience is one of the root causes of our ever rambunctious surroundings. Why is everyone in so much of a rush that basic courtesy becomes nonessential? I don't really plod about, if I'm going somewhere then I am in as much haste as the next person but I still make the effort to let other people go through a door first or down the escalators "After you" is another one I am always saying. I don't mind someone else going in front of me in a queue and things like that because I think it’s the right thing to do. It doesn't really matter whether they are young or old, male or female, deserving of my courtesy or not everyone gets the same treatment, it's gentlemanly.

Sometimes I have been called a pushover which I can kind of understand but it doesn't really matter to me. Treat as you would wish to be treated and I adhere to that philosophy completely because as I mentioned, I hope people think "Oh that was nice of him, I think I'll start saying that" or something like that. That is obviously rather a bigheaded and slightly selfish point of view but its right. If only one person ever takes my example then at least I have affected a positive change and in turn I know that it will pass to someone else.

Things That You Shouldn't But Do

You may or may not know, but I am a man of eclectic tastes. I like things that are so completely opposite it's ridiculous. The easiest example is my taste in music; I like Whitney Houston and Linkin Park or Boyzone and Bullet for my Valentine. I want to talk about things that are sort of guilty pleasures, things that shouldn't get you that do or even things that you get the mick taken out of you for.

For me the list is quite long… I am the butt of a lot of jokes with my friends. The first of which goes back to my taste in music and for this I blame my mother. If I'm honest, I was always a bit of a mommy's boy and I was raised listening to soppy girl music. The problem is that I never really grew out of it. Well the music anyway, I'm not a mommy's boy anymore. Anyway not only should I not really admit to liking Mariah Carey or Westlife I openly sing along to their music. When it comes to singing, I can't sing well but I love to, there is a song for every mood and I like to just go with it. That may not be such a bad thing, with the exception of the questionable taste in music, but I don't just sing to myself. I sing walking down the street, at work, in the pub, shopping, basically anywhere I feel like it. That is a bit weird I grant you and justifiably a reason to have the mick taken out of me for, so moving on.

Something that I am consciously trying to reign in, consciously but unsuccessfully, is my need to know the answer. I don't mean to prove that I'm right, it's becoming quite boring, I just need to know one way or the other. Here's an example, you're in a pub with a group of you friends and you are talking about something or other and all of a sudden none of you can remember the name of something, like a song or a TV show. A couple of hours go by then you get that glorious moment after more alcohol has flowed and one of you leaps up out of your seat and says "I've got it!" then everybody is all "Well done", "It was on the tip of my brain". Nope forget all that, if nobody can remember I have the awful and ever increasing habit of just taking out my phone, opening up the internet and searching for it. I will have the answer in seconds. Like I said though, I am consciously trying to reign in because I am begging to annoy myself - I just need to know.

Sort of linked with the last bit, my incessant quest for what pretty much everyone I know call 'useless facts'. I downloaded an application for my phone with more than ten thousand of them; it was like Christmas had come early. I was slightly disappointed though, there were lots that were duplicated but repetition just helps you remember so it was all good in the end. I think its odd that I'm the only person I know who finds these little titbits of information fascinating, my friends and colleagues invariably find it amusing that I am like a walking quiz book, one of my colleagues has taken to calling me Joshipedia.

The next item on my list is for being a bit of a sissy. I don't mean a wimp; those of you that do know me will know I'm not a wimp at all. I mean to say that I am in touch with my feminine side. One of my best friends always says that every man should use Clint Eastwood as a marker of how much of a man you are. I am nothing like Clint Eastwood… upon meeting me; he would probably kick my ass and call me a girl then more than likely spit on me for good measure. Being in touch with my feminine side makes me a little bit more in touch with my emotions. An arguably admirable quality, apparently women like it - on a side note, if you know any of said women please let me know. No, what is a bad thing is that I cry a little bit too much. It’s not that unacceptable I suppose, its only really films that get me. I do however have an ever growing list of films that make me blubber. The worst of which is Forrest Gump, that bit when he's talking to her grave… it has gotten so bad now that I start welling up about half an hour before that scene because I know its coming. I know, I know… this time I blame Tom Hanks. He has this innate ability to make me cry. And trust me when I say, a blubbering me is not a pretty sight.

The following is probably again, not so terrible, but I think I probably take it a little bit too far and that my friends is being a romantic. I am, through and through. I also think that everyone is in some way or another, even if they show is in different ways, if at all. Me, I'm the old fashioned, wear your heart on your sleeve kind of guy. I don't really have the money for extravagant gestures but I don't think that's what it's all about. It's about doing something unexpected and entirely personal just for the one you're with. And without blowing my own trumpet, I do that brilliantly. I do it so well because I want to do it. I like to make the effort and I like to be different and I hate when I get included in generalisations. I just hate generalisations really. I may well have admitted to being selfish in the past and in some respects I am, but when it comes to being a friend or something more than a friend I think I am completely selfless. I will always put the needs of others ahead of mine and go out of my way to get something if I have to. Not even if I have too, I just want to most of the time and that's what makes me a romantic. I could give you examples but that would take away the romance and the personal aspect of the things I have done in the past, you'll just have to take my word for it.

Not so much something that I get the mickey taken out of me for but something that people always find surprising is that I can cook. I rarely make things from scratch, if I do there is always a reason for it, but I am one of these people who can just cook. Don't get me wrong, I'm no chef, but I've never had any complaints. I never really learned how, I had to just eat what I was given, my mom struggles with warming things up in the microwave so it was eat or go hungry when I was a kid. I like to watch food programmes on the TV, I have cook books and to top that off, I'm not messy when I do cook and I like to do the washing up. A lot of the time I have to be in the mood, you know when you just look at it and think "Oh, I'll just do it tomorrow…" that's a bit like me. I am quite domesticated really, if a bit lazy but if I get in the mood to start cleaning, just sit back and watch me go. I'll clean around you and make you a cup of tea while I'm doing it. My friends have quite often said that I'll make a good wife one day…

The odd thing about all this is that I seem to be the only person I know who is as opposite as I am. My friends like the odd song that is different to their general genre but nothing really in comparison to me. I might have a fair few jokes poked at me pretty much on a daily basis but I do rise to it because it's funny and lets be honest after reading this, do you honestly think I've got a leg to stand? It can be very difficult to come up with any sort of defence either. When all you've got is that "Just because you don't like it…", not great. I hope that someone who reads this is thinking "I know exactly what you mean." That' would be great, I am a fairly rare breed to say the least, I won't say I'm one in a million because that would mean there are more than six thousand of me in China. I'm kind of like the odd one out who is stuck smack bang in the middle, know what I mean? It's good though; I believe in being an individual and believe me when I say you will never meet anyone like me.

Mr. International

Call me Mr. International. If you read my blog through my Facebook status updates you will know that I really like to know that people are reading my posts. I write them to be a little self indulgent and opinionated but I also enjoy writing them to hear what people think. I like to be balanced and as unbiased as I can be, although sometimes if I'm a little bit 'enthusiastic' about something my opinions can be a little more important than being balanced.

Recently I have seen that my blog readership has increased, more and more people are 'Like'-ing my post and indeed commenting via Facebook which as I said I always appreciate. I would like to be doing a lot more with them - I mean, most of the blogs that I have seen and browse through are really short and more like miniature thoughts. I like that I'm a bit different although I am sure there are literally millions of people all around the world who are exactly like me. Well not exactly like me, that would just be weird and a little bit sad.

Anyway back to being Mr. International. I was faffing about the other day on the dashboard page of my blog and spotted a couple of tabs that for not really paying attention, I had never really noticed. The first of which was a 'Monetise' option. It is fairly cool the Google Gods basically use some sort of genius and unfathomable code to determine advertisements that you can make money from by inserting them into your blog. I think that is amazing if I'm honest but knowing that I'll have to do my own taxes for any monies earned and having a rather rocky past with the Inland Revenue - I think I'll give it a miss.

The second of which - and this is where I get excited - was 'Stats'. I have no idea apart from not paying attention how I had never noticed these two tabs, especially this one because I'm a stats kind of guy. I like to know facts, figures and information even more so when it specifically pertains to me. So I click this tab, just as I had the Monetise one and the first thing that caught my eye was a little map of the world. It was white apart from the UK and America were in green so I clicked the 'more' option and my face lit up. Honestly I must have looked like a kid at Christmas; my blog has been visited by people in America, Slovenia, Denmark and Singapore… How cool is that?

Now I have used the word 'visited' there for a reason. As much as I did have the cheesiest of grins on my face and a warm glow in my heart, I am not naive enough to believe that anyone who clicks on my link/site actually reads the 1500-ish word, almost essay like blog posts that I write. I am not going to lie, I like to think that, but for all I know it could just be some sort of automated website hit. Still, I like to stay positive and enthusiastic.

It was such an odd epiphany to have but I had never realised that my self gratifying, textual ramblings could actually be viewed by almost anyone in the world. It had oddly never occurred to me that it is the World Wide Web for just that reason. The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got at myself for not tagging each of my blogs to associate the content, because I just figured it's on my Facebook and if people want to read it they can. I never considered for a second that someone might just stumble on it and have a read, which in itself is weird because I have done that multiple times myself. So there we go I am going or have gone global… in a fashion.

It's given me a rather fortuitous sense of pride. Here's a good example, there are dozens of video blogs across the world that are just your average everyday guy or girl who have hundreds or thousands or even hundreds of thousands of followers. These people make time to watch these other ordinary people talk about stuff that’s happened to them or what they think about things that are happening around the world. A lot of people have made money and even become famous from things like YouTube although a lot more people have become infamous but still…

I have no reservations about being famous - I'm also adult enough to understand that even if that’s what I did want, it would never happen, so it’s a good job I don't really. Nope, fame is not for me. What I would like is for people to just enjoy what I write for what it is. It kind of makes you think though doesn't it? I wonder how many people who are either using the internet the same way I do are getting a second income or even their primary income. More so, I wonder who many of those people actually expected that to happen. It's an odd thing to want to do, "What do you want to do when you grow up son?", "I want to write blogs online." I bet that conversation has never ever had that outcome before. It is however being an increasingly viable career choice though.

All in all what I am going on about is that I am clearly a little bit impressed but also disappointed in myself. I have my own little personal following and I like that. I also missed the opportunity to increase the readership I already have. On my list of things to do is go back through and add tags or labels to each of my previous posts so that maybe people can find them when they a Googling something that may be related. Second is to improve my profile page for this site, its very basic and I don't think it has any information about me at all. I feel as though I should get to know the people that do read my posts if they aren't part of my Facebook friends, so that I could conceivably write about things they may like. I'm just nice like that. I figure if people know more about me potentially they can relate to me a bit more and become a regular reader. Thirdly and finally is to gain a little more structure. I originally decided to write one post a week and then decided against it in case I couldn't think of anything to write but now I've changed my mind back again. I will hopefully be writing a post a week to be posted on a Sunday. Don't get your hopes up or arrange you evening around me or anything like that because I am not definitely committing but I'll be doing my best.

As I wrap up and end for another week, I would like to pose a question to you all; when you click my link do you read the whole post? Have you ever told anybody else to read it? I once was passed on a blog by a friend of mine in the office, it was amazing. Easily one of the best things I had ever read so I passed it on to loads of my friends and I even created a Facebook group. I don't want a Facebook group or page but you get the point and if you don't, the point is if you like it, spread it. As I said earlier these posts are a written mostly for me, but a lot of what I am thinking about when I write, is you whoever you are. I like to think that I put a smile on your face with my almost funny words and I like to think that you are thinking about whatever your image of me is.

So here I am, Mr. International… or at least kind of. I have one last thing that I would ask of any one that takes the time to read my posts. I currently have two followers, the second is my friend who will be creating a blog of his own fairly soon and we have some pretty cool plans for the New Year for mine… maybe. Anyway, what I am saying is that if you have the option to follow my blog please do, I would very much appreciate it, even more so if you are from some far off place and have stumbled across this by accident. Comments either good or bad are also welcomed, we might get a debate on the go - debate with me though and be prepared, you will lose. And as always thank you.

Beating Around The Bush

Ever heard the saying "Say what you see"? Of course you have. The tremendous Roy Walker and his amazingly horrific suits are no doubt jumping in front of your minds eye right now. As that is the only place I know that saying from it was the only example I could use but the wonderment of Catchphrase is not the subject of this post.

I use this posts as a kind of ironic diary. Something I can share that I can look back on and hopefully smile to myself at the odd context that I see the world and how it directly or indirectly affect my life. So, obviously there is an element of everything I do in these posts but I try to keep the details to a minimum because this is my blog and although the people I kind of mention read it, I don't think they want to be named etc. Or maybe it's just because I'm a little bit selfish and I don't want you to come away from reading this thinking "I wonder who Blah Blah is?".

And that ladles and gentlespoons is precisely the point of this newest of posts. To say exactly what you think. I am a little bit selfish, I'm probably a good 30-40% selfish (I think it fluctuates), it may even be more than that. And I'll tell you why I'm selfish. Because I like to tell the truth. That may well be the most obvious thing you've read or heard but I put to you how often you tell white lies without even thinking about it? I'm not saying I don't but I hate to, if someone is expecting me to like something and I don't I prefer not to say anything than lie. I won't get excited about something I have no interest in and I won't pander to other peoples attempts at trying to seek attention. I'd honestly rather say nothing.

Sometimes though to make a point, it is necessary to be that little bit evil and be straight talking. I am straight talking most of the time, I say what I think and I tend to have an answer for everything but I know it can be a bit harsh. I was having a conversation with my friend the other night, we were just talking about our lives and crap and I said (fairly bluntly) that if we had a kind of relationship where we had little in common and we argued a lot then we wouldn't be friends. To me that's simple. Why would you put yourself through the constant duress of disagreements and conflicts when you have the option to not. So for being blunt and a tad harsh if you read this, it is a public apology.

I seem to be contradicting myself a little because I am trying to endorse being straight talking and not lying but then I'm apologising for doing it. I must stress that I believe there are levels to which you can be like this and sometimes without trying you can go too far, especially with someone you care about. It is however with a certain sense of irony that I write this because when it comes to it, a lot of the time I can't be straight taking. That's another story though.

No my point is more around the people who do say what they think. When you can just pull no punches and tell it like it is. Most people call that being mouthy or gobby and lots of other different things, but you know what, I respect it. Usually those kinds of people have a habit of jumping to conclusions and can be wrong but still, whether they ever think about it or not it takes guts to be like that.

Obviously there is a time and a place, facebook is a prime example - nobody cares about reading whether he/she is the scum of the earth and you wish that they would just die. Get a grip. Being straight talking in malice is a little bit sad and childish. So I wouldn't say I condone that, but still if you are just saying what you think, I've gotta say well done. Obviously you could do it in a more productive manner though. First of all try saying these things to the person you are actually annoyed and then secondly, try being constructive. Honestly it helps.

I think that we suppress our opinions to the point of not having one sometimes because on the off chance it might actually offend somebody else. I say, if you do it in the right way and just say "Look, you idea isn't great, can you do something a little different?" why should they get offended? It's like when you have a meeting and there's always that one person who doesn’t let you get a word in edgeways, why do those people get annoyed about being interrupted if you're polite about it? It's all about making a point but without being nasty or horrible about it as you do. We all understand that everyone has an opinion so why are we so apprehensive about sharing them?

I have different levels of straight talking-ness, I'm probably at my finest when I'm at work which is weird because a lot of people are the opposite. I just think that if this is my job and I have to do it, then you should know what I think about it, good or bad. I obviously try to replicate this into my personal life also but depending up on the company I am with this may change. It seems to lessen outside of work though, probably because I have less to disagree with and that’s never a bad thing. That though, is because the people who I do spend my time with (and maybe its because we're all so close) but we do just say what we see.

So is it a good thing? I think it is. I think that being comfortable enough to express your opinion openly - not just to the odd one or two people later on when it turns into gossip - is brilliant. I consciously try to say what I want to because as I mentioned earlier, I don't like to lie. I just think why bother? There will always come a point when you regret not saying something be it professional or personal. Of course there is the alternative when you regret what you say but at least you can apologise for it, you'll never be able to go back in time.

It's kind of an odd thing to have to do but realistically, you have to first of all know what you want to say, then weigh up whether it might offend someone and consider if you care or not and then actually say it if you choose to. And as stupid as that is, that is the culture that we live in. We are becoming increasingly silenced, whatever happened to freedom of speech? I am in the constant belief that being a nice guy does indeed lead you to last place, so stand up make your point and let people know what you think whether they like it or not. A friend of mine said recently, you have as much right to laugh as they have to cry.

I say the same thing about you though. Yes you. If someone doesn't agree with you or they interrupt you because you have been rambling on for half an hour and are talking utter tripe, if they have a point, let them make it. And if you don't agree with it, don't get all annoyed and petty, come up with something better. That way you can diplomatically rub it in their face when you make their opinion look like something you wished you hadn't stepped in. So I encourage you all to speak up, but do it the right way.

Too Cool For School

Another one for me that I am a little bit, shall we say passionate about. I had a fairly good experience at school; in fact I'm one of those people who would go back. It wasn't the best school in the borough and I had my fair share of bullying (although it wasn't that bad), I got into fights, I got put on school report three times and I almost got suspended for skiving. So all in all pretty average I would say... But no, honestly, those were the bad things, not a lot really when you consider that you're in school for five years. I'm pretty sure I was given detention every day in my last year as well, the teachers knew I wouldn't go, I don't know why they bothered. I was never the best in class but I was always far from the worst, as I've said before I'm a pretty clever guy but I'm lazy. I also could have got much better grades had I actually applied myself properly, I didn't come off too bad I definitely have six C's and the rest were all D's I think, I honestly don't know anymore. It's one of my biggest regrets, I didn't take much notice of my grades because I didn't think you needed them, but you really do. Well kind of, they help, otherwise you've just got to back yourself up real well with experience but the grades definitely make it easier.

So I liked school, I had a great time - I'm not friends with many people anymore but I think that's kind of inevitable really for a lot of people. I have no bad feelings towards anyone; I just went a different. I suppose you're wondering by know why I'm being all nostalgic and what the point of this is, I'll start now...

The school system is an ever evolving thing, curriculums change almost every year and classes get bigger but the way school works is what I think needs to change completely. For those of you that know me, you will know that I am an American born in Britain. Not literally, but I would give anything to live there. One of the things I have always wanted to do is go to school in the States. They have it right. You have kindergarten, junior high and high school and then college/university. There are scholarships to award students for being exceptional both academically and in sports. Scholarships are a huge gap in the British education system because the thing that scared me the most about going to university and inevitably one of the deciding factors was the amount of debt you get into. Obviously not all of the students that graduate high school in the States get scholarships but at least the option is there to those who are willing to work for it.

Graduating is another thing. I love that. When you leave secondary/high school here, you just leave. There is no ceremony, usually the leavers just go somewhere and get drunk and that's what we all did anyway. Granted we would still all just get drunk afterwards anyway but imagine how cool it would be to graduate high school - a real show of achievement for the five years worth of studying and hard (or not so hard) work you do. The flip side of that of course is the being kept back a year if you aren't performing, I think that is just what we need over here. With the amount of disrespectful and disruptive chav like students in schools today, do you think they'd be so bad if they were threatened with having to do the same year again and again until they could pass? I think it would more efficiently separate those who really don't want to learn from those who are just easily distracted. Obviously there are downsides to this, the segregation may be seen as singling out and cause parents to become aggravated with the school and potentially the teachers involved. That is a downside but in my experience it is usually the parents to blame, if you don't care what your child is doing at school don't complain when they get punished for not achieving. And that's coming from a twenty-four year old with only what he sees to go by.

This is all well and good me saying this but obviously there schooling systems in Britain may have changed in the eight-ish years since I left but either way I bet it's not all that different.

It's obviously all funding. The government are the only source of income for most schools and that's why there is such a difference between the States and here. In America they use sports to help obtain funding for the rest of the school and there are also different levels of funding for overall academic achievement and school population. This is fairly similar - to my knowledge - for our system with the exception of the sporting industry. But the main thing I want to go on to say is about the age at which we leave. A lot of schools have the option of sixth form but generally those who choose to, are heading off to college at the age of sixteen. I know you don't think it at the time, but something you later understand is that you are just a child when you leave school. You have no idea what life is, you've been almost spoon fed everything up until this point and its now - when you have the most growing up to do, that you are asked to make a decision on what you want to do or be for the rest of your life! How ridiculous is that?

Personally, I barely knew what day it was let alone anything else. Some people manage it; some people have the foresight to know that doing one thing in particular is what they want and that it will make them happy. I used to think on and off that I wanted to teach English - the problem being I never focused enough on that idea to really believe it was right for me. Since I've been doing a lot of training in my job, that realisation has come to me far too late, I would love to tell younger Josh to follow it through - keep that thought but it does not do to dwell on dreams. So what I'm getting at is that the Americans keep their kids in school until they are 18. When you are 18 you are an adult... usually. You learn that little bit more to help you understand the world a bit better, two years when you're young is all you need to mature. And please don't think that all people under the age of 18 aren't grown up, there are some very bright and mature people in the world that know what they want and know how to get it and to those individuals I say well done you.

So I know a lot of you might not agree with me here - the obvious argument is that we are becoming too americanised as it is. I take that as a valid point but I still think that you have to take into consideration that there are more options for American kids than there are for British. When I have kids and they are growing up I will encourage them to apply to college in the States so they can take advantage of the mistakes I've made and the lessons I've learned and then hopefully they will get a job there and I can have a permanent holiday spot.

The first step in my opinion is to keep kids in school until they are 18, that's a definite. It would obviously affect the colleges in Britain but they could easily just merge with the surrounding schools, well maybe not easily but it could be done. I also think it is necessary to assist in kids learning to understand what they might want to do. Then we need to promote sports in a different way. High school and college sports are almost a religion in America and I love that, our problem is that the only real sport in Britain is football (or soccer to them Yanks) but we play loads of sports in schools. They all just seem to fizzle away after you leave. Like basketball, I don't mind telling you that I was probably the second or third best player at school. I loved it; watching NBA on the weekends and everything but there are no leagues or anything, nothing serious anyway. Building better sports facilities shout be step two. And finally the funding for better equipment etc. People may think that putting it last is a bit odd or even stupid but it's not. Not if you enforce academic achievement to be able to play on the teams in the first place, that way the schools grade average would hopefully increase and the government would have to provide better funding. Bish bash bosh, problem solved - or at least in my opinion anyway.

Being A Smoker.

This is just something I've been considering for some time. Somewhere since 07/2007 when the smoking ban came in. Now all smokers know, whether they choose to admit it or not that it's a bit of a dirty habit. What non-smokers seem to forget is that it's more than just a habit. It's an addiction. If you hear someone was addicted to alcohol or to some sort of classified illegal drug then it's really bad. Although smoking has no real affect on your mentality directly (which is why it's legal) it does make you want cigarettes all the time.

I am what I like to call a considerate smoker. I don't like to exhale smoke so the wind blows it in somebody's face. I never smoke in public doorways and I don't smoke in front of or around kids. There are some, well lots of smokers who are arrogant and inconsiderate of those around them. Those people are probably just rude anyway and the smoking is just an add on.

So as far as the addiction goes, I quit. I was a former smoker (only people who have never smoked can be called non-smokers) and went almost 7 months without smoking but all that needed to get me started again was stressing over being ill and a bad decision. I didn't think I would start smoking for the sake of it, without really realising I'd gone to the shop and bought some cigarettes to 'ease the stress'. Now I am intelligent enough to understand that even though I hadn't smoked in so long my former addiction kicked in and convinced me it was the 'right' thing to do.

I got dizzy with nicotine rush and it made me feel a bit sick but I can't deny that I enjoyed it. My comfort mechanism just kicked in and told me that this was my way of dealing with stress. And so three months later I am still smoking.

I didn't find quitting very difficult the first time, I had been telling my self for months leading up to New Years I wasn't going to smoke anymore. When New Years day came round, I didn't even crave one. I may have tried to take a drag a couple of times, one I can remember for sure but all in all my former smoker-ness went well.

So now that I am smoking again I have started thinking about how biased the smoking ban is. Like I said I know that its a bad habit. It's not a very nice smell to start with and then obviously there is the passive smoking aspect of it all. There is also smoking around food (which I also don't like), I will have a cigarette after a meal as my own little pudding but I don't like to eat when someone else is smoking. I can absolutely appreciate a non-smokers opinion on that.

But, is banning smoking in pubs and clubs really fair and/or the right thing to do? I have said from the off, why not allow a smoking licence? That way people could have the prior knowledge of smokers in the establishment and choose whether or not to go into it. That's a little bit biased on my part I'll grant you but as silly as it sounds it's all about the equality of it. When I wasn't smoking I didn't mind sitting in the company of other smokers and I know people who don't smoke and have no problem with it either.

We all choose to smoke, when you first get offered one by whoever it might be we could just say no. It isn't difficult but for me there was always something that made me want to try it. I think it started when my mom used to smoke in the house. I loved the smell of a lit cigarette and I used to sort of sit in the living room so I could be there when she lit up.

As it goes my point will probably fall on deaf ears to most non-smokers but I would still like you to look at it with an open mind. I think what I am trying to get towards is that I don't think that smokers are catered to properly. Smoking shelters are never what they should be, which I think is my main source of feeling a little hard done to. I was in Merry Hill a little earlier on, and I went to have a smoke while I was just waiting around. On my way out there was a man smoking in the doorway of the Sainsbury's exit/entrance. Granted this person was probably just someone of caveman level intelligence who has no other concerns than his own. Those kind of people are what give the rest of us bad press. Most smokers would never intentionally block others paths and make them inhale smoke but it still brings up the question of whether or not you non-smokers would have to deal with imbeciles such as the Sainsbury's man if there was a smoking shelter in the first place.

Now I know you think I'm being a bit selfish but I don't think that it would be too much to ask for large shopping centres, supermarkets and businesses to shell out what would be an insignificant sum (for them) to make better and more adequate smoking facilities. You might well disagree with everything I've said and that's fine, but like many others I don't want to smoke for the rest of my life. I plan to start smoke free me 2.0 this New Year again and my mental preparation for it is well under way, but my stand point on this subject will not change. Let the smokers have a smoking shelter and please put seats in it.

In fact I wouldn’t mind if there was some adequate shelter full stop. What I don’t get is why has a smoking shelter got to be less than fifty percent covered sort of thing? If it’s only smokers that are going to use it in the first place why does that even matter? It’s just another thing about the smoking laws that just don’t make sense to me. I don’t want to be treated like some sort of segregated society but I think that the laws and legislations that have been put in place are for the ‘benefit’ of non-smokers and there has been little to no consideration for people who do smoke.

It is all a little political and I might well be taking it all a little bit too seriously but I would just like things to be a little fairer. I mean after all the government raises taxes on cigarettes every year so why can’t they use some of that to make everything a little more smoker convenient. And before you start I am not trying to say that I want to walk around pub, clubs and shopping complexes with a cigarette in my hand, I would like to be able to go and sit somewhere comfortable and enjoy the little break I allow myself.

Advertising Part 1.

Ok so get ready for a strop. This one has been a long time in the making and I have a fair bit to say about the following because although a lot (and I mean a lot) of things annoy me on a day to day basis, this is right up there…

Adverts or commercials or 'the breaks', whatever you choose to call them are the bane of my life. There used to be a time not so long ago when the advertisements were good. Sometimes better than the soap, film, TV drama, documentary or whatever it was you were watching. I will talk about the kind of great commercials I mean a little later on but for now bare with me.

It is somewhat of an odd thing to hate adverts because they are everywhere, but the thing is why do they have to be so annoying? You can argue that if you find them annoying and they stick in your head, they are doing their job. This is true, that is after all how advertisements are supposed to work. I have enough brain power to understand that if you see an advert enough it is designed in such a way to stick in your mind so that whenever you are looking for a specific product you will think of the advert and subsequently (the manufacturers of said product hope) you will buy/use theirs.

The problem is subliminal messaging. You see there is legislature in place (it has been for some time) to stop advertisers using techniques that will hit your subconscious rather than your conscious mind. This sounds all a bit drastic but subliminal messages are a serious thing, I could be making you all want to give me money with out you knowing it. It can be used in such a way that when you want to buy a packet of crisps for example you only ever buy Monster Munch. What this leaves us is the necessity to make adverts that are either so unusual or catchy that you think of them all the time.

You see, my perspective of advertising is this; I want to find it funny and interesting and not always to the point as long as it's clever. Please tell me you agree with that… If not stop reading. You're probably one of the people who still like the Go Compare man. And he is just doing what he is paid to do but the 'masterminds' behind him who came up with the idea definitely need to be shot. And so do you. So there. Anyway, what I'm making a point of is that I don't mind if the commercial is direct simple and straight forward or if it's beating around the bush so far you haven't got a clue what it's about until its ending. It just shouldn't be annoying or stupid and seem to be on every five minutes of your life.

By now you might have a few adverts in your mind and "Yeah, I hate that one too." well here are some of the ones that are getting me at the moment; We Buy Any Car, anything for a fragrance, Go Compare, Yoe Valley, Money Supermarket, Churchill. There are a multitude of others, so many in fact that I can't focus. Fragrance adverts really take the biscuit if you ask me. They're all the same. They will start with a man or a woman depending upon the target audience and then some stupid close-ups; introduce the opposite sex and some slightly inappropriateness and whisper the name… Crap. Just crap, there is nothing about whether it smells good or anything just that you are supposedly not allowed to say the name of it any louder than a whisper.

I must admit as we continue with this that I actually don't watch that much TV, usually I pause or record things so that I can fast forward the breaks. I mostly feel the skull smashing irritation of adverts designed to appeal to cavemen while I'm at work. For those of you that don't know, I work in a call centre where there are TV's around with music channels on. Most of the time my ears have to suffer the endless repetition of MTV Base but then on top of that come the stupid adverts to boot. And people wonder why it's an effort to go to work… Taking a couple of steps back, these days I never hear anyone say "I love that advert." anymore (if they do it's generally someone a bit slow and it's a really crap advert - their opinions don't count).

Years ago, loads of adverts were great. Loads of them - I have a list but again, I'll come to that in a bit. I'm not quite finished yet. Right we all know that sex sells, my question to you is does it? There is no question that I prefer to look at a beautiful large breasted woman over well, anything else really but nevertheless the question remains that if it had never been said would sexuality be such a massive part of advertising today? I honestly don’t think it would because again it’s all about suggestion. Here’s a good example, there is an advert currently running for Herbal Essences shampoo & conditioner where this woman is doing a Mission Impossible style abseil to get this shampoo or whatever but then the camera pans back to show her absolutely fantastic bum. Now she has good hair, true but that's not what you notice if you see what I'm saying. What's the point of the bum shot? I like it, but have they done it to appease men watching it or just because… Women will look as well, whether they say it or not but either way it's pointless. It has nothing to do with her hair.

That's just an example of the nonessential sexual references in adverts these days. Honestly, if you watch the adverts after you read this, see if you can count how many don't have a cleavage shot in them. There won't be many and like I say I can always appreciate a bit of cleavage but sometimes I just think, would I remember the advert otherwise? There was a Dreams commercial a while back where a woman comes over to a child and the camera stayed on her boobs for a couple of seconds. I don't remember what the bed looked like at all, but even so I still remember it was a Dreams advert so again, isn't that what it's supposed to do?

I am now inclined to mention some of the all time classic adverts so that you can understand what I am talking about. All these stupid commercials at the moment pale in comparison to some of the ones I am about to mention. What I would like to say first off though, is that there was a Channel 4 special show on the 100 Greatest Adverts and most of them were 90's and early 00's and that helps just emphasis my point. The first one I want to talk about is the Renault Clio Nicole/Papa campaign of the mid to late 90's. Everyone remembers them. They weren't exactly to the point but at the same time they showed the Clio as a car for all ages. That was the entire gimmick, but they did it in a brilliant way. That came 12th in the top 100 and I agree completely with it.

Now I don't remember all of the top ten, and I am too young to remember a lot of the 100 but even so, watching them back was brilliant. None of them were repetitive or annoying they were just different for the time and funny. Have you ever seen the Smash robots? Little tin robots talking about the genius of Smash… pointless but brilliant. When that advert first ran, there was nothing like it and Smash became popular because of it. That advert has been voted TV ad of the century by Campaign Magazine and it came 2nd in Channel 4's top 100. The 1st in that 100 you might be wondering was Guinness - Horses in the waves… tick followed toc, followed tick, followed toc. Simply brilliant.

I also have to make a special mention - as Channel 4 did - to Honda - Cog or dominoes advert. You may remember it; a small cog starts rolling and then sets off a sequence of events to eventually close the boot of a Honda Accord. The intricacy of it was amazing, there were no special affects and when they eventually got it to work and it was filmed in one take. It took over six hundred attempts to get the whole sequence to go through properly but if you haven’t seen it before, watch it and you will see why it was worth it.

So unfortunately it appears the golden age of sheer genius advertising ideas are gone and it appears that we are destined to suffer the stark ramblings of idiots who think annoying people is the best way to get their attention. Unfortunately it seems to be working because they just keep going; I think we're on the sixth or seventh version of the Go Compare campaign… It genuinely makes me want to cry. To all you advertisers out there please, please be clever and deliver something that makes me want to watch you advert again and again. Better yet you could give me a job and help me help you make great adverts.

Who Am I?

It's a difficult question if you ask me, which clearly you don't need to because I'm asking myself. I often wonder who I really am because different people and situations breed different sides of me. That in itself isn't really shocking, almost everyone is like that even if they don't admit it. Still, why does it cause me so much confusion?

I hope by getting this down I can gain some clarity on the/my situation and potentially inspire thought in you as you read this. For me, my questions come when I'm at home by myself and that's a good place to start I think because let me tell you, I am not designed to be by myself. Have you ever seen Jerry Maguire? There's a great scene in that film that resonates with me... He is thrown a 'surprise' party (I think it's for his birthday) but some of his friends think it will be funny to get all of his ex-girlfriends to say something about him and they play the video. They all sort of say how great he is and blah blah blah but, they all start saying the same thing. That Jerry Maguire can't be alone.

At first when I saw that I thought nothing of it, but because I'm a bit of a girl and like my chick-flicks, I have seen that film probably a dozen times and every time I watch it that scene impacts me more. Are the women on the vidoe saying that he can't be alone as in single alone or just alone in his own company? Now I know as a matter of fact that I am a relationship kind of guy, I love having someone to come home to, someone to spoil as much as I'm able, someone who's eyes I can look into and tell them that I love them. That's just me. Looking at the other side of it though, I am also a very social person and I really don't like being by myself.

As I write this I have another eight days off work, which is ironic because a large portion of that time, sadly I will be alone. I know... diddums right? Going back to my original question, this is where I start to wonder, I have a lot of time to think and the more I do the more my imagination gets away from me. I start thinking about what it would be like if I won the lottery and didn't have to worry about bills anymore. I start to wonder if I'll sell my script (when I eventually finish it) and win an Oscar for best screenplay. Who doesn't do that right? Thing is, I am always a bigger or better version of whoever I am. In these endless wonderings of fantastical circumstances I am never the person I am now.

Automatically you may think that I'm miserable in some way, there are things that could make me happier there is no question of that, but all in all I'm content with my lot. So what is it then? Why can't I be by myself and be in my own company? Why do I change and blend into whatever situation I'm in? I think a part of it may be thinking that I'm not the person think I am. Which is fairly odd because people like me, I don't mean to brag but they do. I could probably count the number of people I know don't like me on one hand (unless there are a lot of fake people who are good at lying).

I know I'm insecure, I don't think many people notice it but that just means I'm doing a good job of hiding it I suppose. Is that a good thing? I do think we're getting somewhere though. I reckon that only people who either have none or can let go of their insecurities can truly be themselves. So then maybe that means that until I/we can do that, we are just fooling everyone and pretending to be something we're not until we can overcome our insecurities.

So if people like me, are they liking a projection of who I think I should be depending on the situation, person or people? I know this is the case (or at least I do now) so what still bothers me is why I need to be around people and/or have people to talk to. I think I've established that I'm a multitude of different people depending upon my circumstance (maybe I have schizophrenia) so maybe I like to exercise each of those sides of me because they are too different to be rolled into one. Therein I believe lies my problem, potentially I am distracted by small pieces of me per person I am with so that it affects me on a more serious level, maybe seduces me into making decisions based on my mentality at the time.

Now I never make rash decisions, I am far too logical for that. As I am re-reading this it seems like I am in some way suggesting that this may be in part the fault of my friends, so if you are my friends and have got this far I am not blaming you, I love you all. A question I have just asked myself is something I said earlier and that is "does it actually matter?" Does it? Is it a problem that my friends invoke different things in me? Here is a list of people I am;
A film critic
Someone to watch funny TV with
A comedian
A flirt
A 'leader'
An advisor
Someone who is always the butt of the jokes

And there are more but difficult to write down and as I wrote that list and thought of the different aides of me, I sit here with a smile on my face. I have realised who I am, I am the person that will cheer you up, make you laugh, make you smile and that's never a bad thing. I am rarely all of those people in the same day and I don't think ever at the same time - I'd probably explode - but that is all if me.

So my original question and a massive puzzle has been solved. I am who I need to be, when I'm needed and who I'm needed for. And in answering that problem I answered the other thing I was asking... The reason I can't be alone and I don't like it is because I miss everyone who makes me be me. I miss having someone to bounce jokes off and laugh with. So if I e-mail, text or call you (call might be few an far between because we all know I don't like using the phone), think yourself lucky and special because at that moment and at that time I am missing you more than anyone else.

Its Called English

There are thousands and thousands of people that share my opinion on the following subject but equally as many who say it's "easier" and in all reality just don't care. What am I so passionate about now? Text speak. I literally hate it. If you know me well enough to talk to me via text or indeed if you ever facebook chat me, read an e-mail I send or even a comment on some-one's status or wall post, there is one thing you will know that I do - I write using English. People don't write anymore they abbreviate and alter letters when it's unnecessary. I can appreciate that it might well be easier to text under you desk if you have to because maybe you don't have the ability to see whether your phone has 'corrected' a word to make whatever you were trying to say sounds like utter gibberish. I also understand the initial reasons all this abbreviated 'speech' came about - The dawn of the short message service.

Some of you may be pleased to hear (I was) that the first real sms message was sent in the UK through the Vodafone network and it said 'Merry Christmas'. It is a pity then, considering we sent the first message that we have no real standing in the mobile communication world but I suppose we can't have everything can we. Anyway, back to the point. Generally text speak doesn't bother me too much because at the moment it's sort of a hit and miss in my daily life, sometimes my facebook news feed is full of it other days I get to view what's happening without huffing about spelling and grammar. You might be wondering why it is that it's an issue for me, probably because I haven't explained it yet, I will, I just like to build up the tension. You may well be thinking "what's the big deal? Everyone does it." - If you thought that, you have just hit the nail on the head. Everyone does it and this has a long term and detrimental affect on the future of language, not just the English language, all of them.

By using technology instead of the basic tools like a pen and a paper we are restricting ourselves from using and maintaining something that has evolved over thousands of years. The sms has a limit of 160 characters and in my opinion a downward spiral has been getting bigger and deeper since. It is commonplace to use abbreviated words to shorten the length of a text message, the use 'lol' and other such terms if you know what I mean. I must admit that I am a 'lol'-er but I use it sparingly and it tends to only be women that I use it too which is something I don't really understand but that's another subject entirely. Now I do respect the fact that we have evolved a language to adopt our constantly changing technologically improving lifestyle. As a species we are the most adaptive on the planet and brilliantly we have the ability to affect change in drastic ways. My fear however that as we grow and move forward we will no longer write and I am genuinely saddend by that.

As it stands, there are only small portions of the general demographic that do this semi-annoying text/abbreviated speech - 'everyone' is a drastic exaggeration. There are slightly different twists on what my issue is now that I come to think about it. I have a well known pride for being from the Black Country, we might not have the best accent in the world but, the industrial revolution started through the biggest steel works in the world and that was right here. My point is that I used to and sometimes still do write in Black Country. I don't shorten words for the sake of it and I will use the correct grammar i.e. apostrophes for abbreviations like comin' but that's just because it's part of me and I like to use it comically not because it's easier - if anything it takes more thinking. The fast paced world of texting and facebook and msn and twitter and all those social networking sites (which again I admit to taking part in) are increasing the rate of language and vocabulary decline. As we created and adapted a way of talking with 160 character limit in a text message we have now continued (to a certain extent) that trend even though it is becoming unnecessary. We have the time to think and really put down what we mean.

I am writing this and thinking that I should use some examples of what I mean; words that I hate to see re-written pointlessly, but I can't. I physically can't bring myself to type that way, I am browsing the culprits on facebook to show you but it is not going well. Quite ironically I am having a huff-free day and can't find anything to help emphasise my point but it seems that I have deleted the final few that were annoying me. I'm sure it's clear and obvious the kind of thing I mean. I would like to be able to blame 'the kids' because that tends to be the thing to do, unfortunately it is not all them (although they are most definitely a large part of the problem - but I'll come back to that) I see it more with people my age. For those of you that don't know I'm 24 and if I started speaking or writing that way, I would be disappointed expect someone to punch me. I feel let down in a way but I can completely understand that it's just through force of habit and that maybe it is easier but please, come on. its really not that hard to do.

So, back to 'the kids' then. My point about kids and I would like to affirm that I know not all kids will do this but I remember what I was like to bare with me. I am not thick, stupid or dumb and I'm not overly intelligent either, but nevertheless I got bored at school really easily. I would often just doodle or daydream and generally just not pay too much attention and I managed to get away with it more often than not because I could pretty much pick up what I needed to without putting too much effort in. My long winded point is this, I didn't have a multitude off applications on my mobile that I could be even more easily distracted by. I had snake (I still think its awesome now) and pay as you go so I couldn't spend all day texting and on top all that I only had access to the internet in the I.T. rooms. Imagine how rubbish my GCSE results would have been had I had all this to take my mind of whatever lesson I was in. In all fairness, my results aren't that bad and in no way am I trying to say your little brother or sister is thick but I would be very surprised if they don't spend a little more than just their lunchtimes messing around on their phones. I don't have kids in constant contact with me and there is only one person in my friend list that is still at school and I am quite happy to say that I never have to huff at his status updates.

The written word dates back to 3400 - 3200BC where the Sumerians were using characters for the first time instead of symbols. That's more than five thousand years of thinking and reason and the use of language for the development of culture. Five. Thousand. Years. Writing has been frowned upon as yielding too much thought - that has a lot to do with religion and I won't go there - however the fact remains that if civilisations long gone hadn't started documenting their life and times then we would have no idea of they were or how they lived. If people didn't use their imaginations we would not have some of the most famous works of fiction we know of today, there are thousands to name but just think of any classic author or book and you will know what I mean. We are an intelligent species, we use our minds to think, plan and write and I am concerned that we are 'dumbing' ourselves down and sullying everything that the past left for us. The more our world improves the less we have to think and that is why our general vocabulary and use of the written word are withering away into nothingness.

Boxing vs MMA

Arguably it's not even a question of which sport is better anymore. Recently we saw the first professional boxer to fight in mixed martial arts, this was of course James 'Lights Out' Toney who stepped up to fight Randy 'The Natural' Couture. I am an avid mixed martial arts fan. I like sports, I used to be a big football fan, I was madly into the NBA also, I can watch snooker, tennis I even like watching curling even though I think calling it a sport is wrong. I have always enjoyed watching people compete to be the best of the best, but oddly I never liked boxing, aside from the Rocky films but then who isn't a fan of them?

For some reason boxing just never had enough in it for me. A couple of guys who are no doubt tough as nails wearing these stupidly large gloves that cover up their whole faces barely ever punching each other just always bored me. Now I know that there have been some great boxers, even if you don't know anything about it, you will know who Muhammad Ali. There have been some amazing fights too, again you will probably have heard of The Rumble in the Jungle where Muhammad Ali fought George Foreman. If you ever get a chance to watch it would recommend you do, you can see the iron will of Ali who will not back down until he has his belt back. It's amazing.

Still even considering the prestige and history that boxing has, it was never for me. I was a martial arts fan. The beautiful flowing of kung fu, the power of karate and the devastating speed of muay thai always left me waving my arms and kicking at imaginary foes in my back garden. More than that, the attitude of martial arts intrugued me. I love the serenity of Shoalin Monks who are Buddists and could quite easily take you apart. That people who practise martial arts do it do defend themselves and to be able to discipline themselves - I think this attitude of peace is missing from boxing. Boxers like Floyd Mayweather Jr. never talk about their opponents with respect and I think that kind of attitude will be one of the fallings of boxing.

I do of course understand that fighters have to hype the fight, it helps promote it and make more people want to watch it. James Toney did a brilliant job of trash talking leading up to his fight with Randy Couture but mostly it just left more and more people wanting to see him get lose. I didn't necessarily want to see him lose, I had no doubt that Couture would win but, the fake animosity always has and always will infuriate me. What's the point? Now I know that there are guys like that in MMA the most famous is probably Tito Ortiz, he can be the most cocky and arrogant man on the planet when he is scheduled to fight but then is one of the nicest guys ever and he proved it after he appeared as one of the coaches on the UFC's The Ultimate Fighter series.

Aside from all the back talk and the fight promoting I just genuinely believe mixed martial arts will eventually replace boxing all together. This is more than just a general dislike for boxing, I have a tremendous amount of respect for how hard they work. The thing is that for all the hours a boxer puts in, a mixed martial artist will do the same (potentially more) and train in several different styles of fighting. I get angry when I hear people idly talking about how 'crap' they think the UFC is because they just don't understand it.

Mixed martial arts is incredible. And it's continuously getting better. I trained in MMA for about eight months and I loved it but I eventually just got lazy. The dedication it takes to learn jiu jitsu and wrestling and boxing and Thai boxing and then putting them altogether is astounding and there is nothing better than watching two guys (and increasingly more girls) step into the cage and try and prove who is better.

Yes, there are some boring fights, when two guys just dance around each other for fifteen minutes I get annoyed. When someone gets a takedown and does nothing with it, I get annoyed and when you have someone who just doesn't want to engage at all I get annoyed. All in all there are just so many facets to mixed martial arts that boxing will never be able to keep up with. As the UFC keeps growing and helping mixed martial arts as a sport grow more and more fans will come to realise just how brilliant this sport is and people will forget that it was once said that boxing was better than MMA.

Goddamn Online

The age that we live in is one of the World Wide Web. This ingenious invention is the most important of the 20th century (arguably at least). People spend hours a day carousing sites of general interest and usually porn, I am most definitely guilty of both of these things. Facebook is a good example of the way the internet has evolved the way we keep in contact with our 'friends' and in extremes the rest of the world. I am facebooker to boot - I like updating my status with anecdotes and general rubbish about the standing of my life at any given time. I like to read the comments of others and in turn comment on anything that I think is funny or interesting. The whole thing is amazing - the internet opened up a whole new branch of advertising 'click here to get free stuff' - I was stupid enough to fall for one of those but it's rare you find a website that has no form of advertising which makes me feel a little bit for newspapers because they are ever so slowly becoming obsolete. In my opinion they only exist because the older generation are not computer literate and like to have something to read while they spend a third of their day trying to let go of the Sunday roast they ate four days previous.

The information is obviously used for more than just the unequivocal need for information sharing. As well as the incredible amounts of knowledge that you can gain from going to the relevant sites and studying the things you want to know more about you can also share your opinions on forums and pointlessly argue with people you will never meet on the other side of the planet. Often times these forums are ridiculously funny and one can waste those precious hours laughing at hypocrites who bicker because other member of said forum doesn't instantly agree with their opinion. Those people are stupid, but where would we be without the idiocracy? Still if I thought that it would be a worthwhile endeavour I would absolutely join in some of these online discussions as I obviously only ever read the things that I have any sort of interest in, but alas there is no real point getting into a 'debate' with a tirade of utter dolts. Again, I hasten to say how much of a wonder this online wonderland is. E-mails are a fantastic example of how bizarre this ingenious invention is, I can write some gibberish on a sort of imaginary piece of paper and send it instantaneously anywhere in the entire world. How incredible is that? As a culture we have become to depend upon the internet and I for one cannot imagine how a thing worked before it was around, it genuinely baffles me. But alas I digress (trust me I could ramble on about this 9th wonder of the world), this all started out fairly fluffy and nice, but I actually have a real gripe with the internet and it's adaptation into social activity and normality.

One of the things that millions (literally millions) of people spend large parts of their lives doing is a semi brilliant thing called online dating. I have nothing against people who do this, I honestly don't - I am under no illusion as to finding someone is easy. I know it's difficult, I'm not going to go into my personal history - it's a whole other story and I doubt anyone has got that long. No I think I'll concentrate on the annoyances that come from dating sites. My first one comes with one site that I keep seeing an advert for men and women in uniforms, but you don't have to work in public service or wear a uniform to join, it's just if you like uniforms. Well for a start if anyone can join it, how does that make it a target audience? Secondly and again I have nothing against this but doesn't it sort of make it a little bit of a fetish site at the same time? Advertising is brilliant sometimes but I don't know about anyone else but I think that is just plain stupid. Stop trying to come up with fancy new ideas and just say it like it is.

Another one and this one REALLY gets me. Personality tests. Honestly? These things are just so fixable and interchangeable it's unreal. I actually really like the idea of them, no really I do. My problem with them is that you have to fill in this random form to sign up for these dating sites to 'find your best matches'. It's like the drunk affect, if your happy when you start drinking you are going to be a very happy drunk, on the other hand if you walk into a pub like you've just seen Death outside you are going to be a miserable excuse for a human being after you've had a few. The same principle applies to personality tests, depending upon your mood at the point in which you are filling it in your answers will generally differ. How then, are the geniuses that run the fabulous little algorithms that find your matches supposed to be right in any way shape or form? I guarantee most people don't consider that when they start entering their card details for 12 monthly payments. And yes I know that you don't have to pay for them all. Do you see my point? I'm sure that some of you may have even given up reading by now because you think I might be talking utter tripe, if you are still reading - look it up. Use the internet the way I do, to help make you understand things with more clarity.

We almost come to the conclusion of my almost rant and opinion stressed post but this one is really up there. Right, imagine that you are sitting in a waiting room. It's just you and a member of your opposite sex (or the same if you are so inclined). You catch each others eye a few times with a little smile to go with it. Finally either you or they say 'Hi' - it's your scene it doesn't matter. Leading from the initial name exchanges and the hello's and how's it goings that everyone seems to do when meeting someone new, generally when either of you gets called you will be left smiling and wondering wanting to have that again so when you come out or they come back into the waiting room you exchange numbers and then let the story play out in your mind. Again, I stress that I know that it is not that easy, however I'm sure you know the feeling I'm talking about. What if you have that feeling but it's entirely apathetic? Now I would like to set something straight. I like talking through e-mails and text and office communicator chats and even facebook chat when it actually works but, and this is a big one, I understand how different people are via chat and how different I am depending upon who I'm talking to. This is not because I treat people differently or I talk differently, I just react in different ways to the different personalities I am communicating with. Either way I don't let myself be carried away with it all and by no means do I think I 'know' any of these people. I am able to detach myself and understand that it is not talking. You get to know someone by interacting with them on a personal level, by putting your foot in it and seeing how easy it is to get yourself out of it and make silly comments that might offend that person. These are things you will never get from reading a conversation. It's too hard to convey tone for a start. Ruddy tone.

My overall message is do not give in to the trickery that is internet dating. It can work and to anyone who reads this who has found their significant other online I am honestly happy for you. But to everyone who is considering it. Don't do it. Call your friends and go out. If you meet a friend of a friend you might find it. If you accidentally fall into someone on a dance floor because you've had one too many, you might find it. Someone might be brave enough to introduce him/'herself and offer you a drink, hopefully those people won't use some god awful chat up line. I have only heard one good one ever and none of the women I know think its any good. The internet is a fantastic thing, a marvel that amazes me on a daily basis however it is not, nor will it ever be the focal point of my life.