I am not old, I'm not young, although I could be considered either depending on who I'm talking to. I am not by any means a man though, I have lived a fairly complicated life since I spread my wings and flew from the nest. It hasn't been bad, it has been full of mountains to clamber up, but seas to sail peacefully also. I have a fair few problems with myself, I may joke about it but I am far from perfect. One of my biggest problems is that I am not good at making decisions. I usually like to think I'm pretty smart and usually I am but there are times when I realise exactly how immature a nearly-twenty-five year old can be.
Part of the reason that I struggle with making decisions is because I don't like to say no to people. Not just no, but anything of a negative connotation. I just like to make people happy and smile and if it's not going to hurt me then why should I say no? It's very hard to do something as simple as doing what's best for you if that's not something you've ever done before. That is something I need to address and it's a very tenuous link to the actual subject of this post.
These thoughts come from a situation I find myself in regarding my bank account and the amount of stress I went through to try and sort it out. I have not been living in the place where my bank account is registered for some time now and as stupid as it may be I never thought about changing the address because 1. I am only lodging with my friend at the moment and it was easier for him that it is as though I don't actually live here 2. I use paperless banking so I do not have any statements sent to me and my bank never needs to send me any letters.
Ironically this all came to bite me in the ass on payday. I actually have two accounts but the one that my wages go into is rarely used, anyway I took went to the cash point and tried to withdraw money and the message said something about the issuer not authorising the transaction. My initial thought was that I had not been paid so that was the first thing I checked and sure enough in the blinding brightness of my monitor at work were numbers proving that I had indeed been paid. So I knew I had to go into the bank and see what was up.
I was sweating at the potential problems I could be in because as I mentioned, I do not live at the address my account is registered to. I also have no proof that I live where I do now because technically I don't live there. My only photo ID has another address on it altogether because I never needed to change that either (my provisional drivers licence - I couldn't afford a car even if I passed my test so I thought why bother). I was breathing heavy and panicking because I couldn't see a problem with my account but how would I fix it if there was one?
It transpires that a new debit card had been sent to me at my old address and that they would have to send a new one as the type of card I tried to use has been cancelled due to a card update. As the woman on the desk said these words she removed my card from the reader and snapped it telling me my new one would be with me in five working days. As I had to confirm my address and stuff she didn't ask me any questions and ordered a new one anyway. I must have looked outwardly distraught because obviously I was never going to receive this card either. I didn't know how to backtrack and explain my situation so I smiled and left walked around the corner and sat next to my friend.
Ninety nine out of a hundred times you will see me, you would see a beaming confident person because usually that's just me. This was one of the other times, my brain stopped working, I could feel my heart pounding with the increased panic that seemed to be coursing through every vein and artery in my body. While I was struggling through this internally I was explaining what had just happened to my friend. He told me what I knew I had to do, which of course was to go back in and tell them about the situation I am in and why I hadn't changed my address.
I had got to do this, and it shouldn't be a difficult thing to do, but trust me, I was almost paralysed with fear. For about five minutes I sat there idly playing with the strap on my gym bag. It's all I could do because all the other workings of my brain were going into the necessary mental preparation I needed to go back in and talk to that woman again. Except when I managed to stand up and make it back into the bank, because there was a queue another woman came to help me and she took me into an office. I must have looked ghostly, there was no blood in my face, I new this because it was filling up in my heart which I was sure was about to explode. The gym bag over my shoulder seemed to be filled with lead and every single step I took seemed harder. This was it, they were going to close my account and I was going to be broke. As the woman sat down at the computer, I realised she had a kind face but she had a stern look in her eyes that only got sterner as I explained my current living situation and the predicament I was in.
No more than three minutes later she had sent the change of address form through their systems and told me it would be five working days to be changed and I would need to come back in then and re-order my new card. Again I smiled, said thank you picked up my gym bag which all of a sudden felt lighter than air, and walked back around the corner to my friend. I let out an audible sigh of relief but believe me I was still stressed.
I know that the whole thing was a big nothing really and it shouldn't have affected me as much as it did, and I hope the way I've written it sort of purveys the sense of fear I was getting. I have never fully grown up. I can do things for myself, I'm not a child but for me things like that are the scariest things in the world. I have the same fear when it comes to making phone calls, even to people I know, because I have a fear of the unknown. Situations that are out of my control and out of the sanctuary of the norm like work or at home and I am lost. All of those senses go wild and I even get a small rush of adrenaline.
Every time I have to do something that almost every person that reads this will think to be melancholy, I grow up a little bit more. I have less worries and stress about the things that you have to do and I take another step at being grown up and being able to make the right decisions and not worry about saying no to people if that's what needs to be said. Being an adult just means that you are old enough to be treated so in the eyes of the law and the laws of our country. Being grown up means you are responsible.
I am not old, I'm not young, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Saturday, 19 February 2011
In Laws?
Over the last couple of weeks, this topic has come up fairly often… It's something everyone (apart from strange and unfortunate people) have to do. It can be scary to the point where you make excuses and actually put it off because you're scared about all the "What ifs?" Yep, you guessed it, it's time to meet the parents…
I have never understood why this is a big deal. Seriously, why is? Is it the end of the world if I meet your mum and dad and they don't like me (which is extremely unlikely I might add)? Am I going to go out and buy some 'smarter' looking clothes and get a hair cut? No. That would be lying. Whoever you are, you love me. It doesn't matter to me whether a couple of people "approve" of me. Actually I think I find that entirely condescending and insulting.
How dare you, after meeting me for the first time decide whether you "approve" of me? Who do you think you are? I'll do will I? This one's ok? I tell you what, how about I tell you that I couldn't care less about your opinion. Not even a little bit. So regardless of whether you think I "fit the bill" unless something happens between me and your daughter, I'm going to continue seeing her. In your face.
I'm glad that I've got that off my chest, but I've never really had that problem. I just don't worry about it and I find it goes smoothly and I won't ask if I've done alright as soon as we leave… No, I'm an adult and so are your parents, I'm pretty sure I can manage to have a civil conversation with them about something in however long we choose to spend with them over dinner or whatever.
The more I think about it the more I realise that it's actually kind of a ceremony. I don't think I did with my last meeting the parent's thing but a lot of people go out for a meal, which of course either winds up with you paying, having a mini argument with her dad because he is insisting on paying or feeling guilty because you let him. If I were in that situation, I'd go with the "You pay next time line." Three reasons; a) it shows that you aren't afraid of them and are confident b) that without having to say it, you had a good time and would like to do it again c) they instantly know that you are a gentleman and will treat their daughter well. That sentence has many more connotations and provokes more thought than just that but trust me that works. And if her dad still insisting, go split the bill 50-50 at the least and always leave a tip.
I can completely understand why people get nervous about it, well I think I can anyway, but I still think… just chill out. The harder you try, the more that in the be all and end all of it you are actually just creating a lie. You are acting in a way that you wouldn't normally, you are saying things you don't really say and who is it benefitting? I'll tell you who, nobody, that's who. I think if you are bothered about what they think then the phrase - just be yourself - will never be more important. You only get one chance at a first impression and I would imagine you want to make it a good one.
There are so many things that go into this, what I consider to be farcical occasion. First thing, the dad or step-dad or whatever will be trying to be 'the man' and be important and ask you questions - You have to be able to answer them otherwise you look dim, so you have to 'compete' with the dad. Secondly, the mother is going to try and find out, usually without asking directly, what your intentions are. Either way the dad is going to be left out a little bit, because if you’re a girl meeting your boyfriend's parents, you're gunna gossip with the mother. Every day of the week. On top of that you will be making the clichéd jokes about "keeping him in line". If you're a guy meeting the girlfriend's parents, you're going to want to be as nice to her mum as you are to her daughter while, as I mentioned earlier, keeping up with dads questions.
All of this goes on - I'm going to see if I can I can arrange to secretly film a meeting the parents night - for study obviously. Maybe I'm just an over confident arrogant doosh but I honestly don't worry about it. They're new people, if I meet a friend of a friend, I'm not going to try harder to impress them because I haven’t met them before, would you? That's how I look at it - These are just new people, just because they happen to be the people responsible for raising the person I'm with makes no difference to me.
Obviously there is a sense that you would like them to like you. Of course that is the case, but it is by no means necessary that they do. My point is that if you are with someone in the first place, then clearly they like you or maybe even love you so should the fact that you don't really get on with their parents become a problem? I don't think so. I mean I love my mom, she's my mom. But if she didn't like a girl that I was with, I couldn't care less. I do. I like her and I want to spend time with her so whether you think that's a good idea makes no difference to me. That is also part of the problem with the whole thing, I know it probably doesn't happen all that often, but people break up because one of them isn't liked by the respective parents.
It's all settled, you've met their parent's, they've met yours and then you get the joy of joys of arranging your parents to meet their parents… Urgh… That's even more rigmarole. There is this kind of pint where you prep them about each other and give them like a background on each other. It's so weird. Am I the only one who thinks this? Something is so blasé we turn into a life changing event for almost no reason whatsoever. Take the time to just get to know someone don’t make it a pressure cooker where people involved are so stressed there are visible beads of sweat dripping down their foreheads.
As simple as it is, if you treat each other well, get on with each other, then that's all that matters. I don't see what the problem is. Do you? It’s all paramount to how much people judge others though to be honest but I still think that as long as there if he/she is happy then just leave it be. I have said all this but I'm sure I'll be terrible when I have kids… Although I will give whoever it is the benefit of the doubt. I will talk to them about normal things. Just somebody new and I like meeting new people, it's one of my favourite things in the world to do… But we'll come to that later…
I have never understood why this is a big deal. Seriously, why is? Is it the end of the world if I meet your mum and dad and they don't like me (which is extremely unlikely I might add)? Am I going to go out and buy some 'smarter' looking clothes and get a hair cut? No. That would be lying. Whoever you are, you love me. It doesn't matter to me whether a couple of people "approve" of me. Actually I think I find that entirely condescending and insulting.
How dare you, after meeting me for the first time decide whether you "approve" of me? Who do you think you are? I'll do will I? This one's ok? I tell you what, how about I tell you that I couldn't care less about your opinion. Not even a little bit. So regardless of whether you think I "fit the bill" unless something happens between me and your daughter, I'm going to continue seeing her. In your face.
I'm glad that I've got that off my chest, but I've never really had that problem. I just don't worry about it and I find it goes smoothly and I won't ask if I've done alright as soon as we leave… No, I'm an adult and so are your parents, I'm pretty sure I can manage to have a civil conversation with them about something in however long we choose to spend with them over dinner or whatever.
The more I think about it the more I realise that it's actually kind of a ceremony. I don't think I did with my last meeting the parent's thing but a lot of people go out for a meal, which of course either winds up with you paying, having a mini argument with her dad because he is insisting on paying or feeling guilty because you let him. If I were in that situation, I'd go with the "You pay next time line." Three reasons; a) it shows that you aren't afraid of them and are confident b) that without having to say it, you had a good time and would like to do it again c) they instantly know that you are a gentleman and will treat their daughter well. That sentence has many more connotations and provokes more thought than just that but trust me that works. And if her dad still insisting, go split the bill 50-50 at the least and always leave a tip.
I can completely understand why people get nervous about it, well I think I can anyway, but I still think… just chill out. The harder you try, the more that in the be all and end all of it you are actually just creating a lie. You are acting in a way that you wouldn't normally, you are saying things you don't really say and who is it benefitting? I'll tell you who, nobody, that's who. I think if you are bothered about what they think then the phrase - just be yourself - will never be more important. You only get one chance at a first impression and I would imagine you want to make it a good one.
There are so many things that go into this, what I consider to be farcical occasion. First thing, the dad or step-dad or whatever will be trying to be 'the man' and be important and ask you questions - You have to be able to answer them otherwise you look dim, so you have to 'compete' with the dad. Secondly, the mother is going to try and find out, usually without asking directly, what your intentions are. Either way the dad is going to be left out a little bit, because if you’re a girl meeting your boyfriend's parents, you're gunna gossip with the mother. Every day of the week. On top of that you will be making the clichéd jokes about "keeping him in line". If you're a guy meeting the girlfriend's parents, you're going to want to be as nice to her mum as you are to her daughter while, as I mentioned earlier, keeping up with dads questions.
All of this goes on - I'm going to see if I can I can arrange to secretly film a meeting the parents night - for study obviously. Maybe I'm just an over confident arrogant doosh but I honestly don't worry about it. They're new people, if I meet a friend of a friend, I'm not going to try harder to impress them because I haven’t met them before, would you? That's how I look at it - These are just new people, just because they happen to be the people responsible for raising the person I'm with makes no difference to me.
Obviously there is a sense that you would like them to like you. Of course that is the case, but it is by no means necessary that they do. My point is that if you are with someone in the first place, then clearly they like you or maybe even love you so should the fact that you don't really get on with their parents become a problem? I don't think so. I mean I love my mom, she's my mom. But if she didn't like a girl that I was with, I couldn't care less. I do. I like her and I want to spend time with her so whether you think that's a good idea makes no difference to me. That is also part of the problem with the whole thing, I know it probably doesn't happen all that often, but people break up because one of them isn't liked by the respective parents.
It's all settled, you've met their parent's, they've met yours and then you get the joy of joys of arranging your parents to meet their parents… Urgh… That's even more rigmarole. There is this kind of pint where you prep them about each other and give them like a background on each other. It's so weird. Am I the only one who thinks this? Something is so blasé we turn into a life changing event for almost no reason whatsoever. Take the time to just get to know someone don’t make it a pressure cooker where people involved are so stressed there are visible beads of sweat dripping down their foreheads.
As simple as it is, if you treat each other well, get on with each other, then that's all that matters. I don't see what the problem is. Do you? It’s all paramount to how much people judge others though to be honest but I still think that as long as there if he/she is happy then just leave it be. I have said all this but I'm sure I'll be terrible when I have kids… Although I will give whoever it is the benefit of the doubt. I will talk to them about normal things. Just somebody new and I like meeting new people, it's one of my favourite things in the world to do… But we'll come to that later…
Saturday, 12 February 2011
This Day…
I have been struggling with a subject for some time, whilst I was writing my last post I thought I had another one ready and structured in my mind… It turns I out I hadn’t. All I had was a bit of a confused thought and I couldn’t make my brain organise what it was I was thinking, but then today I realised what day it was.
I love pretty much everything about Valentines Day, because as I have mentioned, I am a big old soft romantic. I like that there is an air of anticipation around because everyone is kind of unsure what their significant other has planned. I like that it is generally the mans job to be spontaneous and that year after year men put themselves through torment and dagger-eyes by pretending they haven’t done anything only to surprise their girlfriend and wife. And even more than that, I like that year after year women fall for it.
The obvious argument, which I completely understand is that why should this one day be used to show how much you love someone? Surely you should show them all year round. Yes of course you should, and of course people do but usually the things you do to show someone how you feel become a part of who you are as a couple. That is in no way a bad thing, it’s the small things that make the big thing even more special. Definitely is it worth using a day that is celebrated as the day of love to extend those already small but romantic gestures into something bigger and celebrate your love for someone else.
I think that people who share the above opinion don’t look at the bigger picture. Like I said, you shouldn’t leave it to just one day of the year, absolutely not. But if you do, you are proving to whoever it is that you’re with that even though everyone else is doing it, you still want to prove to them just how amazing and special they are. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, maybe if you are entirely cliché about it and decide to just send flowers to work or something that’s a little bit blasé, however, if you’ve never done that before how much would you’re loved one appreciate it? See what I mean, these things have been done for literally centuries but making someone feel more important than anyone else in the world is more important than whatever has been done in the past.
Obviously me being me has an issue with the whole commercialisation of Valentines Day, but as much as it makes me a hypocrite, I look at it all through rose tinted glasses. If none of the greeting card companies, supermarkets, wine shops, florists and restaurants latched on to this day then it would be far more difficult to make that someone special feel special wouldn’t it? Bragging as it may be, I am never short of ideas to do something unique but not everyone is as romantic and imaginative as I am so what would they do? Yes everything is a little over priced or maybe a lot over priced but everything can be done on a budget, I once did a whole Valentines romantic night with only fifty quid and none of seemed cheap or whatever and it was perfect.
The people out there who just “hate” Valentines Day have, in my experience either, never been treated to something special or unique or spontaneous or had a very bad experience one February 14th. I don’t think it is fair at all to tarnish a day that people (whether they like to admit it or not) love to celebrate because you have never had what you want. That is the epitome of selfishness to me and everything that is actually wrong with people in general but Valentines Day. Half of the people in the world (the part of the world that celebrates Valentines anyway) are in high spirits about the plan they have for their sweethearts and the other are miserable for the whole day being Valentine Scrooges and trying to ruin it for everyone else. That’s just not nice.
This year marks the first that I have not done something for Valentines day, as it is the first year (since my teens) that I am single. And no I’m not depressed about it. I’m not going to cry myself asleep because everyone else is all loved up and I’m all alone and blah blah blah… No that’s not me. I am happy to see everyone else being treated to something extraordinary and different to humdrum of day to day life. I am sitting on a sofa listening to love songs on the radio writing the blog and I have a smile on my face. Today makes me happy.
The love songs are one of the things I like about Valentines, because you usually get to hear someone say how much they love their better half to thousands of people. And that I think is the point. Like an epiphany that was then… Valentines Day is not just about showing your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, partner or lover that you love them, it’s about showing the rest of the world that that is the person you love. That that one person means more to you than anything or anyone else. How can making a gesture of love, that will make someone feel like one in a million, and put a smile on a persons face for the whole day… How can that be a bad thing?
Almost everyone in the world wants to find that one someone that they can spend the rest of their lives with. Almost everyone in the world is looking for love. This is a day that can be filled with heartache, there are probably thousands of people that have used this day to say what they feel only to be told those feelings are wasted. That hurts, it happened to me when I was a little boy, it was puppy love, but it hurt. Even if that is the case and you get rejected, at least you tried. At least you told that special someone that to you, they are perfect. If you have been rejected, don’t be depressed about it. Remember that even though it was probably awkward and was the exact opposite of what you wanted, you still made that person feel more important than they would have otherwise. And is that not what you wanted to do all along?
People forget that romance exists throughout the year and then seem to complain that it is silly or stupid when we all be romantic at the same time. Romance is something that very few people truly understand. The smallest of gestures are as romantic as the big extravagant ones. Running a hot bubble bath for someone who’s had a long day - candles or no. Making a cup of tea because you know that’s just what is needed. Being there at the right moment with your arms wide open to hold somebody who has been waiting to be held all day. A smile across a room because that smile is more perfect than all the works of art in the world. Doing something as normal as picking up a paper on the way home because they’d forgotten. All of those things are romantic. You just have to realise it. Every couple in every corner of the world have something that is unique and special, something that makes them a couple like holding hands if your on different sofas or touching each others face in a loving way. Those are the romantic things that everybody wants and Valentines Day is a glimpse into something that already exists.
There is nothing more important than telling the person that you love, that you love them. If you say it too much the words just become words, sometimes its better to say it without saying it. To me, there is nothing like that feeling you get when someone looks at you and tells you that they love you. For a moment the world just stops, and there is nothing, not a sound nor a soul, just that person standing there saying words that don’t really express the feeling they describe. The three most powerful words in the English language. Then you kiss, and that feeling is coming through your chest making you feel like you could explode because nothing makes you this happy. That there is nothing else that you could possibly want. That everything for is perfect. That you love and are loved.
I love pretty much everything about Valentines Day, because as I have mentioned, I am a big old soft romantic. I like that there is an air of anticipation around because everyone is kind of unsure what their significant other has planned. I like that it is generally the mans job to be spontaneous and that year after year men put themselves through torment and dagger-eyes by pretending they haven’t done anything only to surprise their girlfriend and wife. And even more than that, I like that year after year women fall for it.
The obvious argument, which I completely understand is that why should this one day be used to show how much you love someone? Surely you should show them all year round. Yes of course you should, and of course people do but usually the things you do to show someone how you feel become a part of who you are as a couple. That is in no way a bad thing, it’s the small things that make the big thing even more special. Definitely is it worth using a day that is celebrated as the day of love to extend those already small but romantic gestures into something bigger and celebrate your love for someone else.
I think that people who share the above opinion don’t look at the bigger picture. Like I said, you shouldn’t leave it to just one day of the year, absolutely not. But if you do, you are proving to whoever it is that you’re with that even though everyone else is doing it, you still want to prove to them just how amazing and special they are. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, maybe if you are entirely cliché about it and decide to just send flowers to work or something that’s a little bit blasé, however, if you’ve never done that before how much would you’re loved one appreciate it? See what I mean, these things have been done for literally centuries but making someone feel more important than anyone else in the world is more important than whatever has been done in the past.
Obviously me being me has an issue with the whole commercialisation of Valentines Day, but as much as it makes me a hypocrite, I look at it all through rose tinted glasses. If none of the greeting card companies, supermarkets, wine shops, florists and restaurants latched on to this day then it would be far more difficult to make that someone special feel special wouldn’t it? Bragging as it may be, I am never short of ideas to do something unique but not everyone is as romantic and imaginative as I am so what would they do? Yes everything is a little over priced or maybe a lot over priced but everything can be done on a budget, I once did a whole Valentines romantic night with only fifty quid and none of seemed cheap or whatever and it was perfect.
The people out there who just “hate” Valentines Day have, in my experience either, never been treated to something special or unique or spontaneous or had a very bad experience one February 14th. I don’t think it is fair at all to tarnish a day that people (whether they like to admit it or not) love to celebrate because you have never had what you want. That is the epitome of selfishness to me and everything that is actually wrong with people in general but Valentines Day. Half of the people in the world (the part of the world that celebrates Valentines anyway) are in high spirits about the plan they have for their sweethearts and the other are miserable for the whole day being Valentine Scrooges and trying to ruin it for everyone else. That’s just not nice.
This year marks the first that I have not done something for Valentines day, as it is the first year (since my teens) that I am single. And no I’m not depressed about it. I’m not going to cry myself asleep because everyone else is all loved up and I’m all alone and blah blah blah… No that’s not me. I am happy to see everyone else being treated to something extraordinary and different to humdrum of day to day life. I am sitting on a sofa listening to love songs on the radio writing the blog and I have a smile on my face. Today makes me happy.
The love songs are one of the things I like about Valentines, because you usually get to hear someone say how much they love their better half to thousands of people. And that I think is the point. Like an epiphany that was then… Valentines Day is not just about showing your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, partner or lover that you love them, it’s about showing the rest of the world that that is the person you love. That that one person means more to you than anything or anyone else. How can making a gesture of love, that will make someone feel like one in a million, and put a smile on a persons face for the whole day… How can that be a bad thing?
Almost everyone in the world wants to find that one someone that they can spend the rest of their lives with. Almost everyone in the world is looking for love. This is a day that can be filled with heartache, there are probably thousands of people that have used this day to say what they feel only to be told those feelings are wasted. That hurts, it happened to me when I was a little boy, it was puppy love, but it hurt. Even if that is the case and you get rejected, at least you tried. At least you told that special someone that to you, they are perfect. If you have been rejected, don’t be depressed about it. Remember that even though it was probably awkward and was the exact opposite of what you wanted, you still made that person feel more important than they would have otherwise. And is that not what you wanted to do all along?
People forget that romance exists throughout the year and then seem to complain that it is silly or stupid when we all be romantic at the same time. Romance is something that very few people truly understand. The smallest of gestures are as romantic as the big extravagant ones. Running a hot bubble bath for someone who’s had a long day - candles or no. Making a cup of tea because you know that’s just what is needed. Being there at the right moment with your arms wide open to hold somebody who has been waiting to be held all day. A smile across a room because that smile is more perfect than all the works of art in the world. Doing something as normal as picking up a paper on the way home because they’d forgotten. All of those things are romantic. You just have to realise it. Every couple in every corner of the world have something that is unique and special, something that makes them a couple like holding hands if your on different sofas or touching each others face in a loving way. Those are the romantic things that everybody wants and Valentines Day is a glimpse into something that already exists.
There is nothing more important than telling the person that you love, that you love them. If you say it too much the words just become words, sometimes its better to say it without saying it. To me, there is nothing like that feeling you get when someone looks at you and tells you that they love you. For a moment the world just stops, and there is nothing, not a sound nor a soul, just that person standing there saying words that don’t really express the feeling they describe. The three most powerful words in the English language. Then you kiss, and that feeling is coming through your chest making you feel like you could explode because nothing makes you this happy. That there is nothing else that you could possibly want. That everything for is perfect. That you love and are loved.
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