Untitled

I am not entirely sure what I want to write about but I need to clear my head and this is the best way for me to do it. I am feeling a multitude of mixed emotions at the moment and it's rather disconcerting. It just leads me to a very confusing fork in the road in my mind where I start to analyse everything.

One thing I know for sure is that I am addicted to work. I say that but I'm not entirely sure that's true, I am addicted to my office. The sad truth is that there are very few places in the world that I feel more or as comfortable as I do when I'm at work. I don't understand how this happened to me but nevertheless it is a very scary truth. I rarely leave on time and a couple of weeks ago I had to come in to the office to calm down because I was so stressed. It was horrendous.

Part of it is the people I work with. I love spending time in their company because of the comfortability factor. I think that's just a given really, spend seven and a half hours with a small group of people you're bound to build some kind of relationship with them. Another part is being a protector so to speak. I have mentioned in multiple posts that what I do is not liked by the vast majority of people in my office and I feel a sense of responsibilty to protect the people I work with from those that bitch behind our backs or send us complaint e-mails because they don't understand. I am in work whilst I write this because someone hasn't done something they should have. It is not my teams fault in any way but if I don't clean that mess up, we'd unquestionably get the blame for it.

I also have realised that I get lonely very quickly when I'm by my self. It could be boredem though to be honest, even if I have something to do I would like to actually have someone there with me while I'm doing it. I have been contemplating making up an imaginary friend to talk to. That's a little bit schizophrenic though so I'm not sure that's a good idea but I'll keep it as a possibility. It's my own stupid fault really, you would think I could just call someone and have a little chat but I'm a total an utter weirdo who has a job in a call centre that doesn't like talking on the phone. I like to text, I can do that but talking, that's something different altogether.

I also overthink things. Which is doubly as bad when you condsider I have already said that I am currently over analysing everything. My mind just starts wondering. Then I think of all the potential possibilities of every situation even though said situation has already passed. It's a disease honestly. I am never content with things that just happen to me. I need to make sure my brain doesn't start going loopy because I haven't done something. Relaxation for me is becoming increasingly difficult. My body is like "yeah, I'm chillin'" but my stupid brain is like "what, where, how and WHY!?".

I have a feeling it's because I don't use it properly. My brain that is. So it gets bored and starts doing what it wants even if I try to claw it back to where I want it to be. It's like I'm just coasting through when my brain is trying to tell me I could be doing so much more... Not that I think I'm better or anything, just maybe I could do something else. Maybe.

In the grand scheme of things I just don't think I'm good enough for my own self. I don't even know what that means but I am certain it is kind of explaining what I am trying to say. Like all of the things I like about myself are just things now and I don't like any of them. Over and over my brain is telling me that I need to be someone different. Someone who doesn't care this much about my work. Someone who doesn't think that I need company all the time because I get bored or lonely as soon as I open the door and there's nobody else there. A person who is ok with talking to friends on the phone. A better somebody than I am.

An Unhealthy Ache

I have had a fairly new experience over the past two weeks and it's not one I like.

My girlfriend has been in Turkey with her mom this past two weeks and I have had an increasing ache inside me because I miss her so much.

It's been fairly odd really, the holiday had been planned and talked about for months, so it's not like I didn't know she was going away, but when she actually went it seemed too sudden. It was kind of like the opposite of Christmas. You know when straight after the day someone says it'll be here again before you know it, then it is, but who doesn't like Christmas?

So there I am standing there hugging my girlfriend on payday (which for me is usually a great day) and she's handing me her keys and she's off. It just came out of nowhere. I kind of made it hard on myself because I hadn't really thought about it too much. I got a text of her mum to say they'd got there safe and they'd had a good day so that was a reliefe because you know, you always worry.

The next day wasn't so bad either but then I got a message to say she'd be giving me a call later in that day. I was a bit excited, it'd only been about 36 hours but I did really want to hear her voice. It was only a four minute conversation, she was using a phone box to save the riduculous network charges for using your phone abroad. She told me she was having a good time and that the weather was great. The usual conversation you have when you're away, what time is it over there, that sort of thing. As her time was running out, I told her to have a great time and that I'd see her when she got back. I won't lie, 36 hours in, I was holding back tears.

I have only had communication with her twice since then and I think that has had a part in the all over ache I've been experiencing. I'm not complaining, I did tell her not to bother putting herself out to get in touch with me. I wish I had though.

I have never missed anyone or anything as much as I've missed her the past two weeks. I must say though I've been very good in keeping it in unless someone asked me and then it's just came spilling out. It's like I'm learning a new life experience. I never knew I could actually feel this way. I didn't know that this feeling of being lost was possible. It's a different kind of realisation as to just how big a part of my life she is. You would think that would be obivous, but you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

So that's it, I just wanted to express how much I've felt lost and like I've been aching everyday since you went on holiday. This one's for you baby, I love you.