I am not entirely sure what I want to write about but I need to clear my head and this is the best way for me to do it. I am feeling a multitude of mixed emotions at the moment and it's rather disconcerting. It just leads me to a very confusing fork in the road in my mind where I start to analyse everything.
One thing I know for sure is that I am addicted to work. I say that but I'm not entirely sure that's true, I am addicted to my office. The sad truth is that there are very few places in the world that I feel more or as comfortable as I do when I'm at work. I don't understand how this happened to me but nevertheless it is a very scary truth. I rarely leave on time and a couple of weeks ago I had to come in to the office to calm down because I was so stressed. It was horrendous.
Part of it is the people I work with. I love spending time in their company because of the comfortability factor. I think that's just a given really, spend seven and a half hours with a small group of people you're bound to build some kind of relationship with them. Another part is being a protector so to speak. I have mentioned in multiple posts that what I do is not liked by the vast majority of people in my office and I feel a sense of responsibilty to protect the people I work with from those that bitch behind our backs or send us complaint e-mails because they don't understand. I am in work whilst I write this because someone hasn't done something they should have. It is not my teams fault in any way but if I don't clean that mess up, we'd unquestionably get the blame for it.
I also have realised that I get lonely very quickly when I'm by my self. It could be boredem though to be honest, even if I have something to do I would like to actually have someone there with me while I'm doing it. I have been contemplating making up an imaginary friend to talk to. That's a little bit schizophrenic though so I'm not sure that's a good idea but I'll keep it as a possibility. It's my own stupid fault really, you would think I could just call someone and have a little chat but I'm a total an utter weirdo who has a job in a call centre that doesn't like talking on the phone. I like to text, I can do that but talking, that's something different altogether.
I also overthink things. Which is doubly as bad when you condsider I have already said that I am currently over analysing everything. My mind just starts wondering. Then I think of all the potential possibilities of every situation even though said situation has already passed. It's a disease honestly. I am never content with things that just happen to me. I need to make sure my brain doesn't start going loopy because I haven't done something. Relaxation for me is becoming increasingly difficult. My body is like "yeah, I'm chillin'" but my stupid brain is like "what, where, how and WHY!?".
I have a feeling it's because I don't use it properly. My brain that is. So it gets bored and starts doing what it wants even if I try to claw it back to where I want it to be. It's like I'm just coasting through when my brain is trying to tell me I could be doing so much more... Not that I think I'm better or anything, just maybe I could do something else. Maybe.
In the grand scheme of things I just don't think I'm good enough for my own self. I don't even know what that means but I am certain it is kind of explaining what I am trying to say. Like all of the things I like about myself are just things now and I don't like any of them. Over and over my brain is telling me that I need to be someone different. Someone who doesn't care this much about my work. Someone who doesn't think that I need company all the time because I get bored or lonely as soon as I open the door and there's nobody else there. A person who is ok with talking to friends on the phone. A better somebody than I am.
One thing I know for sure is that I am addicted to work. I say that but I'm not entirely sure that's true, I am addicted to my office. The sad truth is that there are very few places in the world that I feel more or as comfortable as I do when I'm at work. I don't understand how this happened to me but nevertheless it is a very scary truth. I rarely leave on time and a couple of weeks ago I had to come in to the office to calm down because I was so stressed. It was horrendous.
Part of it is the people I work with. I love spending time in their company because of the comfortability factor. I think that's just a given really, spend seven and a half hours with a small group of people you're bound to build some kind of relationship with them. Another part is being a protector so to speak. I have mentioned in multiple posts that what I do is not liked by the vast majority of people in my office and I feel a sense of responsibilty to protect the people I work with from those that bitch behind our backs or send us complaint e-mails because they don't understand. I am in work whilst I write this because someone hasn't done something they should have. It is not my teams fault in any way but if I don't clean that mess up, we'd unquestionably get the blame for it.
I also have realised that I get lonely very quickly when I'm by my self. It could be boredem though to be honest, even if I have something to do I would like to actually have someone there with me while I'm doing it. I have been contemplating making up an imaginary friend to talk to. That's a little bit schizophrenic though so I'm not sure that's a good idea but I'll keep it as a possibility. It's my own stupid fault really, you would think I could just call someone and have a little chat but I'm a total an utter weirdo who has a job in a call centre that doesn't like talking on the phone. I like to text, I can do that but talking, that's something different altogether.
I also overthink things. Which is doubly as bad when you condsider I have already said that I am currently over analysing everything. My mind just starts wondering. Then I think of all the potential possibilities of every situation even though said situation has already passed. It's a disease honestly. I am never content with things that just happen to me. I need to make sure my brain doesn't start going loopy because I haven't done something. Relaxation for me is becoming increasingly difficult. My body is like "yeah, I'm chillin'" but my stupid brain is like "what, where, how and WHY!?".
I have a feeling it's because I don't use it properly. My brain that is. So it gets bored and starts doing what it wants even if I try to claw it back to where I want it to be. It's like I'm just coasting through when my brain is trying to tell me I could be doing so much more... Not that I think I'm better or anything, just maybe I could do something else. Maybe.
In the grand scheme of things I just don't think I'm good enough for my own self. I don't even know what that means but I am certain it is kind of explaining what I am trying to say. Like all of the things I like about myself are just things now and I don't like any of them. Over and over my brain is telling me that I need to be someone different. Someone who doesn't care this much about my work. Someone who doesn't think that I need company all the time because I get bored or lonely as soon as I open the door and there's nobody else there. A person who is ok with talking to friends on the phone. A better somebody than I am.
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