Ok, I need to get this off my chest. I'm not happy. I'm not. I am miserable and quite often don't know what to do with myself. I have no direction and I feel like I have no purpose. I sit around in my new place watching films and TV series I've already seen because I don't know what else to do.
I am once again feeling completely lost. I am not purposefully sitting around moping, in fact quite the opposite, I have managed to obtain a "f*** it why not?" mentality. That's partly why I ended up going to a bar at a quarter to midnight last Saturday and went a bought a suit and went to a club the Saturday before that.
Still when the drinking and the dancing stop I am still sad. I'm not pining for what I had to come back; I just don't know what to do now it's gone. I have all this stuff going round in my head and no matter what I do it will not go away. I have been doing the same thing/s for the past four years mostly and without that I have to find myself again.
Starting all over in you mind is horrible it sucks and it’s emotionally draining. I am almost permanently in a state of wondering what I don't know. And even though I'm almost certain it's nothing I still think something doesn't add up. I know it's all in my head and believe me when I say that I wish I could make this go away because I really, really do.
I can't really put into words what is happening to me, I suppose I'm realising that I'm twenty five and I have literally nothing to show for my life. I am not a person designed to be alone. I'm just not.
Like I said, I don't want the same thing back, I hate knowing that I have to start all over again. Telling myself in the most chirpy way I can muster to listen to the words of Barney Stinson (a character from How I Met Your Mother for those of you that don't know) and "Don't even think about getting married till you're 30" doesn't seem to help. It's like I'm trying to convince myself of something that I don't believe and don't even want to be the case. How stupid is that?
Still, here I am, at work again not wanting to go home because I have no reason to actually go home. I am again going for a drink, Wednesday is a bit of a regular thing anyway but still I finished my shift almost two hours ago and I just didn't want to leave.
After my last post I received a couple of text messages making sure I was alright so I just want to make it clear that I am alright, I'm just not in the best place. I have too much going on in my head and trying to deal with it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm not starving myself and I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm in a perpetual state of endless pondering.
Its rubbish and I really don't want anyone I know to worry about me. Honestly the point of this post is as it always is, to just help me organise the mess in my head. I will get my act together in whatever way my act needs putting together and I'll not need to write crap like this and hopefully sooner rather than later get back to writing the same old soppy stuff you're used to.
I am once again feeling completely lost. I am not purposefully sitting around moping, in fact quite the opposite, I have managed to obtain a "f*** it why not?" mentality. That's partly why I ended up going to a bar at a quarter to midnight last Saturday and went a bought a suit and went to a club the Saturday before that.
Still when the drinking and the dancing stop I am still sad. I'm not pining for what I had to come back; I just don't know what to do now it's gone. I have all this stuff going round in my head and no matter what I do it will not go away. I have been doing the same thing/s for the past four years mostly and without that I have to find myself again.
Starting all over in you mind is horrible it sucks and it’s emotionally draining. I am almost permanently in a state of wondering what I don't know. And even though I'm almost certain it's nothing I still think something doesn't add up. I know it's all in my head and believe me when I say that I wish I could make this go away because I really, really do.
I can't really put into words what is happening to me, I suppose I'm realising that I'm twenty five and I have literally nothing to show for my life. I am not a person designed to be alone. I'm just not.
Like I said, I don't want the same thing back, I hate knowing that I have to start all over again. Telling myself in the most chirpy way I can muster to listen to the words of Barney Stinson (a character from How I Met Your Mother for those of you that don't know) and "Don't even think about getting married till you're 30" doesn't seem to help. It's like I'm trying to convince myself of something that I don't believe and don't even want to be the case. How stupid is that?
Still, here I am, at work again not wanting to go home because I have no reason to actually go home. I am again going for a drink, Wednesday is a bit of a regular thing anyway but still I finished my shift almost two hours ago and I just didn't want to leave.
After my last post I received a couple of text messages making sure I was alright so I just want to make it clear that I am alright, I'm just not in the best place. I have too much going on in my head and trying to deal with it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm not starving myself and I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm in a perpetual state of endless pondering.
Its rubbish and I really don't want anyone I know to worry about me. Honestly the point of this post is as it always is, to just help me organise the mess in my head. I will get my act together in whatever way my act needs putting together and I'll not need to write crap like this and hopefully sooner rather than later get back to writing the same old soppy stuff you're used to.
No comments:
Post a Comment