Nothing On

I have finally had my TV installed and I am now able to watch over two hundreds channels with almost endless air time, why then is there never anything on?

I am somewhat adverse to ask this question because I am usually one of the first to make some sort of quip about there being lots on but simply choosing not to watch it. The fact however remains that there is a point in almost everyone's week when they are just scrolling the TV guide and either mentally or outwardly stating that there is nothing on.

This is something that although I have re-experienced today it is not something I've missed. The realisation that although there is an inordinate amount of information being streamed to my TV, I have no interest in a vast quantity. Why then are there so many TV channels? Lets be honest, how many different shows do you actually watch? Maybe somewhere around twenty give or take. Most people who watch TV plan the shows they are going to watch because well, why wouldn't you?

Having said that, does anybody really take full advantage of being able to record shows via some sort of set top box? I think that I may have done in the past but it'll be a while before I get there again. With the scheduling of shows being regular and it is only ever shows of interest you record, it is unlikely you would ever choose to watch something completely random. With most people having some way of recording their favourite shows would it not be worth trying to watch something new without having to be told about it first because if you're already recording something you do want to watch it wouldn't matter if you didn't like what you did watch because you could always start watch the recording. My that's a long sentance.

I have decided that I am going to try and watch (or attempt to watch, depending on how good it turns out to be) at least one completely random thing on TV a week. Why? I'm glad you asked. I like knowing things, even if those things don't matter in the slightest to some-one else and I think that I must be missing out on knowing a hell of a lot of things because I've never heard of that show before.

You should try it too, why not, what have you actually got to lose? Besides you might find out something really interesting. Obviously you could be really bored and turn the show off, but you never know until you try.

Text Me.

Is the past ever really the past? I ask this question because I need to upgrade my phone. Obviously there is no clear link between the past and a new phone... I currently have an iPhone 3GS it's old and scratched but realistically there is nothing wrong with it. I've never been much of a talker on the phone, sit and have a cup of coffee with me and I'll talk your ears off but I've never grasped phone calls. So with the innovation of SMS I have my workaround.

As you would imagine because I don't make phone calls and only really text, I have literally thousands of messages. I haven't deleted one since the day I had my phone on 24/02/2010. Before I had this one I had this Sony-Ericsson thing that again met my requirements although it did have a limited amount of space so I had to delete my texts. With my iPhone and its 16GB of memory, I've never had to worry.

It wasn't a conscious decision I made to never delete texts but now that that's the way it is I never want to delete them again. I have come to realise that there is more than a year of my life stored on this phone and I really don't want to lose it. There are messages on here that will make me laugh and reminisce and there are also ones I know will make me sad.

Lots of things have happened to me since I've had this phone, obviously, my life has moved forward. And up, down, left and right and perhaps a little bit backwards if I'm honest. Every single conversation I've had about every single thing that's happened has been stored on this little device and I've never really thought about that until I realised I was due an upgrade.

I know that if I get an iPhone 4 or 4S I can back up the entire contents of my phone and update the new one with all of that. Perfect, that's exactly what I want, but do I want another iPhone? I think I am being converted to the Blackberry world and if that's the case, my data will be non-transferable.

Many of you will not think this is much of an issue I would imagine. They're just messages after all, but they're sentimental at the same time. If you think back to when you got your first phone and try and remember messages from back then I bet you couldn't. I know I can't. And I find that really sad.

Imagine if you could just pick the messages out of your phone and store them on your PC or laptop. Maybe bung them on a USB stick or external hard-drive or something. I genuinely wish that I could look back at some of my old texts and see what kind of rubbish I used to talk about. Now that you're thinking about it, I would wager that you're smiling and thinking about how cool it would be to be able to look back at those little snippets of life. If I had the know how or technical wizardry I would develop a way to be able to do this forever and I would make them into little books.

In the digital age that we live in mobile communication is an ever evolving thing and the number of text messages sent is ever increasing. In 2010 there were 6.1 trillion SMS sent. Yes, trillion, that's 6,100,000,000,000. Just imagine all the things that people have said and continue to say through text message. There will be one word replies that everyone hates like 'Ok' and there will be loving things and meaningful conversations. There'll be hurtful things sent and apologies and condolences. I don't know why I'm explaining what people might say in there messaging, I'm sure you'll have some idea but all those words just get deleted.

The upgrade comes along and all of a sudden it's like you're starting a new book without ever being able to go back and read the old ones. There is no such thing as a meaningless conversation, and I will be keeping hold of my old books to leaf through every now and again.

Bennett's Mess

Ok, I need to get this off my chest. I'm not happy. I'm not. I am miserable and quite often don't know what to do with myself. I have no direction and I feel like I have no purpose. I sit around in my new place watching films and TV series I've already seen because I don't know what else to do.


I am once again feeling completely lost. I am not purposefully sitting around moping, in fact quite the opposite, I have managed to obtain a "f*** it why not?" mentality. That's partly why I ended up going to a bar at a quarter to midnight last Saturday and went a bought a suit and went to a club the Saturday before that.

Still when the drinking and the dancing stop I am still sad. I'm not pining for what I had to come back; I just don't know what to do now it's gone. I have all this stuff going round in my head and no matter what I do it will not go away. I have been doing the same thing/s for the past four years mostly and without that I have to find myself again.

Starting all over in you mind is horrible it sucks and it’s emotionally draining. I am almost permanently in a state of wondering what I don't know. And even though I'm almost certain it's nothing I still think something doesn't add up. I know it's all in my head and believe me when I say that I wish I could make this go away because I really, really do.

I can't really put into words what is happening to me, I suppose I'm realising that I'm twenty five and I have literally nothing to show for my life. I am not a person designed to be alone. I'm just not.

Like I said, I don't want the same thing back, I hate knowing that I have to start all over again. Telling myself in the most chirpy way I can muster to listen to the words of Barney Stinson (a character from How I Met Your Mother for those of you that don't know) and "Don't even think about getting married till you're 30" doesn't seem to help. It's like I'm trying to convince myself of something that I don't believe and don't even want to be the case. How stupid is that?

Still, here I am, at work again not wanting to go home because I have no reason to actually go home. I am again going for a drink, Wednesday is a bit of a regular thing anyway but still I finished my shift almost two hours ago and I just didn't want to leave.

After my last post I received a couple of text messages making sure I was alright so I just want to make it clear that I am alright, I'm just not in the best place. I have too much going on in my head and trying to deal with it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm not starving myself and I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm in a perpetual state of endless pondering.

Its rubbish and I really don't want anyone I know to worry about me. Honestly the point of this post is as it always is, to just help me organise the mess in my head. I will get my act together in whatever way my act needs putting together and I'll not need to write crap like this and hopefully sooner rather than later get back to writing the same old soppy stuff you're used to.

Untitled

I am not entirely sure what I want to write about but I need to clear my head and this is the best way for me to do it. I am feeling a multitude of mixed emotions at the moment and it's rather disconcerting. It just leads me to a very confusing fork in the road in my mind where I start to analyse everything.

One thing I know for sure is that I am addicted to work. I say that but I'm not entirely sure that's true, I am addicted to my office. The sad truth is that there are very few places in the world that I feel more or as comfortable as I do when I'm at work. I don't understand how this happened to me but nevertheless it is a very scary truth. I rarely leave on time and a couple of weeks ago I had to come in to the office to calm down because I was so stressed. It was horrendous.

Part of it is the people I work with. I love spending time in their company because of the comfortability factor. I think that's just a given really, spend seven and a half hours with a small group of people you're bound to build some kind of relationship with them. Another part is being a protector so to speak. I have mentioned in multiple posts that what I do is not liked by the vast majority of people in my office and I feel a sense of responsibilty to protect the people I work with from those that bitch behind our backs or send us complaint e-mails because they don't understand. I am in work whilst I write this because someone hasn't done something they should have. It is not my teams fault in any way but if I don't clean that mess up, we'd unquestionably get the blame for it.

I also have realised that I get lonely very quickly when I'm by my self. It could be boredem though to be honest, even if I have something to do I would like to actually have someone there with me while I'm doing it. I have been contemplating making up an imaginary friend to talk to. That's a little bit schizophrenic though so I'm not sure that's a good idea but I'll keep it as a possibility. It's my own stupid fault really, you would think I could just call someone and have a little chat but I'm a total an utter weirdo who has a job in a call centre that doesn't like talking on the phone. I like to text, I can do that but talking, that's something different altogether.

I also overthink things. Which is doubly as bad when you condsider I have already said that I am currently over analysing everything. My mind just starts wondering. Then I think of all the potential possibilities of every situation even though said situation has already passed. It's a disease honestly. I am never content with things that just happen to me. I need to make sure my brain doesn't start going loopy because I haven't done something. Relaxation for me is becoming increasingly difficult. My body is like "yeah, I'm chillin'" but my stupid brain is like "what, where, how and WHY!?".

I have a feeling it's because I don't use it properly. My brain that is. So it gets bored and starts doing what it wants even if I try to claw it back to where I want it to be. It's like I'm just coasting through when my brain is trying to tell me I could be doing so much more... Not that I think I'm better or anything, just maybe I could do something else. Maybe.

In the grand scheme of things I just don't think I'm good enough for my own self. I don't even know what that means but I am certain it is kind of explaining what I am trying to say. Like all of the things I like about myself are just things now and I don't like any of them. Over and over my brain is telling me that I need to be someone different. Someone who doesn't care this much about my work. Someone who doesn't think that I need company all the time because I get bored or lonely as soon as I open the door and there's nobody else there. A person who is ok with talking to friends on the phone. A better somebody than I am.

An Unhealthy Ache

I have had a fairly new experience over the past two weeks and it's not one I like.

My girlfriend has been in Turkey with her mom this past two weeks and I have had an increasing ache inside me because I miss her so much.

It's been fairly odd really, the holiday had been planned and talked about for months, so it's not like I didn't know she was going away, but when she actually went it seemed too sudden. It was kind of like the opposite of Christmas. You know when straight after the day someone says it'll be here again before you know it, then it is, but who doesn't like Christmas?

So there I am standing there hugging my girlfriend on payday (which for me is usually a great day) and she's handing me her keys and she's off. It just came out of nowhere. I kind of made it hard on myself because I hadn't really thought about it too much. I got a text of her mum to say they'd got there safe and they'd had a good day so that was a reliefe because you know, you always worry.

The next day wasn't so bad either but then I got a message to say she'd be giving me a call later in that day. I was a bit excited, it'd only been about 36 hours but I did really want to hear her voice. It was only a four minute conversation, she was using a phone box to save the riduculous network charges for using your phone abroad. She told me she was having a good time and that the weather was great. The usual conversation you have when you're away, what time is it over there, that sort of thing. As her time was running out, I told her to have a great time and that I'd see her when she got back. I won't lie, 36 hours in, I was holding back tears.

I have only had communication with her twice since then and I think that has had a part in the all over ache I've been experiencing. I'm not complaining, I did tell her not to bother putting herself out to get in touch with me. I wish I had though.

I have never missed anyone or anything as much as I've missed her the past two weeks. I must say though I've been very good in keeping it in unless someone asked me and then it's just came spilling out. It's like I'm learning a new life experience. I never knew I could actually feel this way. I didn't know that this feeling of being lost was possible. It's a different kind of realisation as to just how big a part of my life she is. You would think that would be obivous, but you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

So that's it, I just wanted to express how much I've felt lost and like I've been aching everyday since you went on holiday. This one's for you baby, I love you.

Finding The Time

Firstly I'd like to get something off my chest and I only wish the Romans could read this. Pretty much everything we measure is metric and by 10s, 100s, 1000s etc. but for some unfathomable reason, time is still in 60 seconds to a minute, 60 minutes to an hour and 24 hours in a day. Why is this? Why does time think it's so special it should be different to everything else? This is even more annoying to me when you can have 10ths, 100ths and 1000ths of a second.Stupid Romans. Thankfully there is such a thing as metric time;

http://www.minkukel.com/en/time/metric_clock.htm

Keep you're eyes peeled, it's gunna be a thing... I hope.

Sorry... I had to mention that, I literally woke up in the middle of the night the other day thinking about it. I am that sad.

Suffice to say that has been a 'regular' reader of my ramblings you will know that somewhat lacking recently and I haven't written anything of worth for some time. I do miss this blog. I miss wondering who you are reading this and the comments I get on Facebook. As much as I do miss this and those feelings of mystery surrounding what you think of my posts, somehow I never seem to find the time anymore.

I'm not going to blame my girlfriend entirely, but I will use her as one of the main reasons for my lack of correspondence.. She would never stop me from writing, in actuality she encourages it, but at the same time when we're spending time together I don't want to be zoning out not paying her any attention whilst I'm tip tapping on my laptop.

The fact of the matter is I've become very content with the laziness in which I spend my spare time.The majority of my past posts were written when I was a lonely singleton and as I'm sure most of you know means I had all the time in the world. Being in a relationship is no excuse really though, I should be making more of an effort.

So besides my girlfriend, what else have I got going on? Well shockingly, it's work. This month I have worked an additional 76 hours (that's 31.6 metric hours). Sometimes it would literally have made more sense to have just slept under my desk rather than go home. I'm not complaining, I will paid fairly handsomely for my deeds but that's still a lot of extra time to be spending at work..

It's not just all of you I've been missing either. I've missed my beloved UFC, the last two to be exact and that is unheard of for me. On top of that I've not been to the gym in I don't know how long and it's beginning to show. I've been told I'm starting to look 'saggy'.

It's not all misery though, I can't complain about everything. I have managed to spend much more time with my sister recently and that's never a bad thing, I have also managed to go to the cinema much more often and I have managed to find the time to take the missus out for meals too.

Anyway, don't you think it's weird when people say "I'll make time"? And now I'm thinking about it, me saying "I'll find the time" is the same thing. How do you make time? Or how do you know where to look to find it? Those are two very odd expressions... Time is constant (metric time as well). How we use it to our advantage is a different matter altogether. Even though time is a constant can be manipulated. I won't go into too much detail (mostly because I don't know that much detail) but if you've ever heard of an atomic clock, they are built to calculate the difference in time with the gravitational pull of the moon relative to it's orbit. You should check that out, it's pretty interesting stuff.

When you're life is hectic or whether it's fairly routine, if you try and add something to your day it becomes very difficult to insert the time taken to do that something into the time you have for the day. As unfortunate as it is, the old adage goes; somethings gotta give. I do want to write more. I like to write my own thoughts but at the same time I like writing to you so I will find out how to either make, or find the time.

Being Angry. And Stupid...

Believe it or not, I can be quite intense sometimes. My style of debate has been described as aggrissive (I don't agree that but it's what I've been told) so when something annoys me I tend to get a little agitated...

This happened to me quite recently and I started to rant, then I realised how much of an idiot I was being and decided to have a little fun.

This was the result...

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Hello,

You may find this correspondence somewhat amusing but let me stress, I am not happy.

At work today I found myself eating one of your fairly newly marketed toffee dodgers, I'm not a huge fan of biscuits but I am always happy to try something new. I wasn't massively impressed with the taste but thought it was certainly intriguing enough to try another and it was then I spotted that on the 'toffee dodger' there, in the top right section of the biscuit there is JD presumably for Jammy Dodger.

Now I know that you are a fairly large company manufacturing all manner of biscuit filled chocolates goods and completely understand that there is a need to produce as many as possible to ensure the maximum amount of profit and sales per packet sold. That being said, I do not think it is at all excusable that a company of your size should be so lazy as to not change the J to a T on a baking tray to produce actual toffee dodgers rather than corner cutting, almost replicas that you have created. I hope that in your very near future you are planning to adjust this as I'm sure I am not the only person who has noticed this abomination in biscuit creation.

Yours Sincerely,

Josh Bennett

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I know how funny that is - I also know that will have gone right around that company twice because that's exactly what I'd have done and honestly that just makes me laugh even more. Usually I think it's sad to laugh at one's own jokes but I'm making my own exception. Oh yeah, and I did get a reply...

Dear Mr Bennett

Thank you for your recent email regarding the JD imprint on our Toffee Dodgers. We are sorry you were disappointed that it is a JD instead of a TD imprinted and we have taken this opportunity to pass your comments onto our production and product development teams for their information and review.

We hope this has not deterred you from enjoying the product in the future and we thank you for taking the time to provide feedback.

Kindest Regards

Lisa

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I'm planning a comeback involving the chocolate ones...

See you next time

Ah Distractions…

So before I begin, let me say I'm back! There will doubtless be many of you who have never seen my blog before so to you I say "Hello" but to anyone that has read any of my posts before, to you I say "Hello again".

The theme of this is also an explanation as to where I have been. I am a man of many interests and therefore what I call distractions. To be honest it's never really something that bothers me, I have learned to deal with the fact that I have the attention span of a 7 year old but quite recently I have learned that retrospect truly is a b***h.

You know how some people have a hobby, and I mean the singular. Like train spotters. Mostly you'd say they were pretty weird and a bit smelly, not that I know I've only seen train spotters on the other side of a train trying to dodge being part of some weird photo… Anyway my point is they do one thing they have one passion and I daresay that they find it all very fulfilling even though they know we think they are all a bit 'special'.

My point is that they have managed to find something that interests them enough that they can focus on that one hobby and do all the things that train spotters love to do. The same can be said about football/soccer fans depending on where you're reading this from, fans get so obsessed with their teams it tends to overtake their lives, season tickets, team jerseys/strips and all other sorts of memorabilia.

I have the opposite problem, everything interests me, well not everything, Justin Beiber for example, I'd rather see his head on a spike as soon as look at him but you know what I mean. I'm so eclectic I just transition from fad to fad or craze to craze because it's new and shiny and like the child I appear to be, I latch on.

The best example of this is TV a bit of an odd and fairly mediocre example but still, The Big Bang Theory is one of the funniest shows on TV period. Sheldon is potentially one of the funniest characters ever created and I want one, not a cardboard cut-out or something I need someone to develop the technology to take characters from TV and make them real so I can have a Sheldon. And Penny. I love her too, obviously for different reasons to Sheldon but I'd take her too. Anyway back to the point, I watched all four seasons of The Big Bang Theory (including Season 3 twice) in just over 7 days. I now feel lost, there is a Big Bang Theory kind of void in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

That happens to me quite often with TV considering I don't watch it all that often but hey ho. Like my wonderful script writing idea. I own either 4 or 5 or 6 books on methods to use when writing a good screenplay. I've started doing it three times and then for some reason just stop and start doing something else. Like the gym, that's a fairly recurrent craze of mine, I'll go on some bonkers health kick for about 2/3 months and tone up, be in the best shape of my life then I'll stop and do something else…

You see where I'm going with this… I think I have a semi-under control version of ADHD. In the long term my I have become fairly comfortable with the fact that my fads will cost me money throughout my life, but I'm not doing anyone any harm so it's all good. I suppose.

Cry Baby

You may or may not remember me saying in some of my previous posts that I am somewhat of an emotional guy. Also in an odd way I contradict myself because quite frankly, sometimes I can be a bit of a heartless *expletive*. Having said that, when I am being mean, it's usually justified by stupidity and such the like and I just can't be bothered with all that. If you don't know something, don't pretend you do because I will prove you are talking crap and make you look like the idiot you are.

Anyhow, back to the point. Usually, yeah, we'll go with usually, I am a pretty emotional guy. I am fairly "lovey dovey", I like to cuddle and all that and although I'm a man (and that has been put to question a few times) I am not afraid of showing my emotions. If something makes me happy, you'll find me smiling all day - or at least until the aforementioned stupidity factor kicks in - and I like that because I like to make other people smile too. If something makes me angry then trust me when I say, you will know about it, the air goes blue because of my foul cursword rants and people tend to give me a wide berth. Then we get to when I'm sad.

Now before I go on because I am about to sound like a right dope, I don't cry all the time not even close. So there. I do however do a fair bit of crying when I watch sad films. At first the list was very short and for some reason only involved films with Tom Hanks in, which reminds me, I still need to write to him and tell him to stop it, but now the list is as long as my arm and still growing.

My girlfriend thinks it's ok but I think she has misplaced some memories about the amount of times she has seen me cry which, I'm pretty sure is a good thing because I just keep finding new films that make my eyes all puffy and full of tears. A prime example of my film induced teariness is The Notebook. If you haven't seen that already, watch it. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (I literally love her) are so brilliant, you might actually think they're together. They aren't though, Rachel McAdams is actually my girlfriend. Obviously.

Yes, so the point again, I have seen this film three times. With an ex-girlfriend, many years ago, my current girlfriend (Rachel McAdams) and once by myself. Now the first two times, I cried. Not like blubbering and snivelling but I did, but then for reasons unknown, I decided to watch it by myself. There I was, eating Chinese food with some Coca-Cola to wash it down with then all of a sudden, tears. I was crying at new bits that I hadn't cried to before... Snivelling and sobbing commenced and only subsided until the bit that made me cry before came on then it all started again. What's that about?

So yeah, I'm not ashamed of all of this, well maybe a little, I think my male friends think it's a bit weird and I make jokes about it with my female friends. I really don't understand how it seems to be getting worse though. That is that I am becoming more prone to these film induced crying fits, seriously, don't even get me started on Forrest Gump otherwise we'll be here all bloody day.

So all in all, I have confessed once again being in touch with my femenine and now I pose the question to you... Is it ok for a dude to cry?

Please submit all answers on a postcard and the best one will be picked at random for a prize of my choosing. Don't get your hopes up.

Pastures New?

Is it time for me to move on? Before any of you start I'm talking about professionally, nothing else. I've had quite a good run where I am now. I have been lucky enough to have worked with some of the greatest people ever. You know who you are… My problem is, I feel like I've done all I can here.

I've not managed to get to the upper echelon of the hierarchy, and if I'm honest I have little desire to do so these days, but my future feels a bit empty at the moment. I would greatly like to emphasise that I'm not unhappy at work and nor does my job or work get on my nerves, but there is only so much you can do in a call centre…

Having said that, I generally don't take calls, my team doesn't have a requirement to do so but that's not the point. There has been a change in the wind recently and that is what I don't like and why I feel a bit stuck in a hole. Management is a funny thing, people will always make decisions you might not necessarily agree with, but I really don't like what is happening at the moment.

Not that I don't like the people, I'm not saying that. I treat everyone as I would wish to be treated but it doesn't appear everyone has the same level of understanding on what that means. I have always been and will always be happy to answer any question/s anyone wants to ask me. That being said, if I answer a question and it's not what you wanted to hear is that my fault?

If I could give you the answer you were looking for then that's what I'd say wouldn't I? I'm not just going to lie and tell you something that is complete and utter tripe for no reason. If I tell you something then I've told you the answer. Simple as that. My problem is that I get a half hearted 'thanks' and the expectation of somebody going to moan about me as soon as they've left the vicinity of my desk. That's not very motivational now is it?

On top of that, I am changing the world this month and the next, I am literally going to change the way a lot of people work. It wasn't wholly my idea, someone well above me said 'I want this' so I came up with a way to make 'this' happen. When the 'this' goes in I will not only make peoples lives easier, I will actually be saving the company money, seriously, granted on the company's scale it’s not a vast amount, however when times are tough as they have been every little helps.

So as you can imagine, I know what I'm doing and everyone knows that I know what I'm doing, but for some reason that's not good enough. There are people I work with who value my opinion, experience and (not to blow my own trumpet) but talent. There are also people who know I'm good at what I do but moan, bitch and whine about me. Is it too much to ask to be treated with respect?

So, pastures new… There has been a job posted on our internal website that has really caught my eye. Something entirely different but something I have done before and enjoyed. It's more money and it’s based in the same place. So what have I got to lose?

I risk losing coming into work knowing I will be making a difference to a lot of people on an almost daily basis. I risk not working with some of my favourite people. I risk not being very good if I did go for and get this other job. I will however gain the feeling of actually being valued by more than a handful of people in an office with more than three hundred.

Super Power?

It's almost an age old question even though superhero has only been a word since the early 1900s. Every kid (or at least certainly every little boy) dreams of or plays games about. You draw pictures and read comics it becomes a little bit of an obsession. What super power would you have?

I genuinely don't know the answer to that when I think about it because I feel like I'd be cheating myself out of one power or another. When I was younger (and maybe even a little bit now) I would definitely have said I'd be like Spider-Man. I used to imagine myself web slinging through New York City and I honestly think the cartoon and the comic started my dream of visiting the Empire State Building, but now I'm older would I be the web-head?

I think that a lot of you would be thinking invisibility. No? Don't lie. I know it crossed my mind. Sneaking around perving on all the women you fancy. Yes, yes I know but at least I admit it. I'm just saying what you're all thinking and don't pretend I'm not. However you couldn't do that, it's not the superhero way to exploit ones powers for personal gain… So no farting in the faces of people you don't like either.

What about the power of flight? That's another popular one. I think this one would be really tempting for me. I would like to travel the world and visit all the places I see on TV or in films but I probably won't got to them all. How amazing would it be to be able to fly off somewhere and be back home for tee if you so choose. You could fly to the top of the great pyramid. You could go anywhere you wanted whenever you wanted. That my friends is freedom. That my friends is very tempting.

There are loads more like maybe being super fast. So fast nobody could catch you. So fast you could run on water if you wanted. You'd never be late for anything and that's always a bonus. Ever wake up and you're due to be in work in like ten minutes. Before you do anything you call them and say you'll be late. No more ladies and gentlemen, zoom, and you're there. There are more benefits that that but as it is I can't think of any…

But besides these singular powers, you know what I realised? On average, superheroes have more than one power. Now that's more like it. When you can add powers then things start to get really interesting. You start looking at the like of Superman and Thor and Captain America… I could go on but you'd probably have no idea who I was talking about.

Anyway, you have a couple of more choices now, as I mentioned earlier there is a superhero code. You cannot use your powers for personal gain, you cannot tell more than three people (it might be more than three but you'll find if you look into it that each hero has a few people that know their identity) that you have powers and you must use your powers to help others. Remember "With great power comes great responsibility".

What if you couldn't be bothered with all of that? I mean, it's a lot of effort isn't it. I mean, if I can fly its far more effort to not tell people than to just fly around isn't it. I mean if it's a big secret then it restricts the amount of flying I can actually do. On top of that, would I really help people? I'm quite lazy and just because I can fly doesn't mean that some jumped up, should-be-in-prison chav can't shoot me.

See what I mean? It's a lot of risk for no real gain. Read the comics, these superheroes are miserable and that's because they never think of themselves. I tell you something, if I were super strong the first thing I'd do is go to a bank and lift the safe out and spend me some money! What are they going to do? Arrest me? I'll just power out of that prison Hulk style. Grrrrrr!

So there you go. I would definitely be a bit selfish with my powers but I wouldn't like to choose them because I'd always want a different one. Just give me three good ones and I'll live with it. So what would you do? Do you think you'd be a goody too shoes? or would you be a bit devious and a bit selfish?

Where Have You Been?

Don't you think it's wierd when somebody you know goes away for a while and when they come back you realise just how much you actually missed them for in the first place? Or maybe the opposite is true and you yourself go away or take some time out and when you return to normality the world seems be welcoming you back with open arms?

So let me start by saying have you missed me? I bet you haven't, I have however missed all of you. I don't really know why I stopped posting recently, my tirade of one post a week seemed to dwindle away without any valid reason so I'm going to call it writers block.

You see as much as I don't like to admit, I am a man of routine. I like things to be structured, clear and organised. The problem is that I'm too lazy to sort my own routines and structure. What I need is a personal organiser. No not the kind of electronic device you may be thinking I can use my iPhone for, I'm thinking an actual person that can follow me around just to make sure I don't give in on my little routines and personal practices.

Here are some examples of what I do manage to do, I will always get up in the morning with enough time to shower before I head off for work. Obviously you will be thinking, why don't you just shower at night? And yes that may be time saving early in the am however I currently sleep (most nights) next to someone who's skin reaches approximately one-thousand degrees during the night resulting in me sweating. Also, I have been showering every morning for as long as I can remember so why stop now?

That's about all I can think of... That's not great but anyway I have taken a detour off my original course/point. I have a weird relationship with absence. I like it but I also think it's an absolute pain in the neck. Almost a year ago now, around the time I started blogging, I was signed off work for over a month. This is not good for me. I like being at work much more than average employee.

I didn't see a whole lot of people when I was off work, a few people came round my flat and just hung out. I talked to some other guys online and text and stuff but the world did seem a hell of a lot different and I kind of have the same sort of feelings when someone goes on holiday or is just kind of missing from the usual scenes of my life.

I have a couple of pretty recent examples two of which are two of my three favourite women. One will be gone for a whole year, well more like nine months now but still it started out as a year and that's a really long time. I can't really blame her for being away from my normality for so long, she is now raising two of the most beautiful children in the entire world. Still I will not lie I do miss her terribly.

On a very similar note another of my friends only recenly returned from maternity leave and I mean this in the nicest way possible but I didn't realise that I missed her until she came back. Then I was like, how did I not realise she was gone for so long?

It's so weird how people can impact your life without you even realising it. When the gap is evident and that person is there you tend to wonder what it is you will do because that routine has changed and you need to fill that gap again. Then the void is filled and the originator of that gap returns and everything seems to be back to normal... Not for too long though.

I have been gone for quite a bit of time. My last post was almost two months ago. Now I daresay not many of you even noticed or cared although a couple of you did and to me that is wonderful. It makes the fact that I put my mindless blabberings online worth it to know that the kind of gap I experience with my friends is there for you when you have no blog post to read. As much as I appreciate that this has little to no point other than to explain that I've been gone and that I know how it feels when something you like dissapears, it is also an I'm back.

I will be true to my words and endeavour to write more often (again) although I will say that I think the subjects, length and topics may alter as I am running out of 'things' to write about... Obviously there are an infinite number of things in this world that could keep me occupied and typing forever but the ones that are dear and close to my heart are done. What I intend to do is just write, without topics or too much point and make this a sort of biography. So lets see how that goes shall we...

What About The What Ifs?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had done something differently? I think I might have talked about this before, but it's plaguing my mind again… Let me explain.

There are a few things I wish I had by now the first is a car (I think), and that is within my power to obtain, however I really do think I should be driving by now instead of having to learn. So what if I had learned to drive when I was seventeen? I wanted to, I just had a very low paid job and I would only have been able to afford one lesson a fortnight. At the time I thought that was pointless, now however, it doesn't seem so bad. Would I be doing what I'm doing now? I doubt I'd live where I do, I think I'd have moved out of the Midlands entirely to be honest.

It doesn't bother me too much that I don't drive, I don't mind walking or catching the bus. And as I said I can do it, when I pull my socks up and sort myself out. I can tell you one thing though, if I had been driving when I was seventeen my life between then and twenty-one would have been very different - I wouldn't have bumped into an old friend in a bus station…

This is really one that bugs me… What if I'd have finished college? Now I have never been the study guy, or at least I wasn't when it mattered I love to learn now. I have the problem where I like to be given all the information in the beginning so I can digest it all at once… anyway, If I had not overslept and missed my English Literature exam at school I would have been set for two years of A-Levels at college. Brilliant. So if I'd have done that, would I have gone to university? Would I have even finished the course?

If I had have gone to uni, it would more than likely to have learned English and teaching. I always thought I'd make a good teacher, and I love English so now, being twenty-five, would I be teaching some kids about the brilliance of Shakespeare in a high school somewhere? Would I even be enjoying it if I did?

A little bit more fanciful but still a possibility nevertheless. What if I had trained in martial arts from an early age, perhaps through high school, and found the UFC before now? Yes I know this one is a little bit out there although the fact remains that if I had been training for a while fighting for the biggest and best mixed martial arts association in the world definitely would have been something I aspired to. Again not that it's impossible now but it is even more unlikely to happen now than if I had been fighting from the early days.

So if I had done that, would I have moved over to the States? The answer to that is probably 100% yes because I'd move there now if I could. Would I have been any good? (Probably, I'm pretty good at most things) Would I have had to leave and come back happy in the knowledge that I tried? I might have even gone to fight in Japan for Pride FC…

Not many people will know about this one, but what if my ex-girlfriend and I had kept the baby? I would have a seven year old now… yes if you have done the math's I was eighteen, we both were, we just weren't ready. We could barely look after ourselves at the time and bringing a baby into the world didn't seem fair or right. We were worried about what it would do to us… A lot of people wouldn't agree with it but we made the right decision for us both.

So how crazy would my life have been if I had a little Josh Jr. or a little 'Girls name' Jr? Would I have had the drive I needed to make something of myself? Would my little boy or girl have both its parents? Would I have been as sensible and stepped up to fatherhood if we'd chosen to take the risk?

The be all and end all is that here I am writing to myself and to all of you, my wonderful readers, wondering what my life would have been like if one thing had changed. I more than likely would not be writing this now… or would I?

It's all nonsensical anyway because none of those things happened as a result of my own choices and actions. They weren't always right but who always makes the right moves? One thing I do know is this, I wouldn't change a thing.

I am sitting here tapping my keyboard whilst in contemplation about a present that does not exist and I still find myself here in my imagination. I can't say that I ended up doing all the things I wanted to do by now, that would be a lie. I can't say that my journey here was an easy one, but it was worth it? Yes. My life so far has been eventful, I may not have lived as much as some of you, but I have got a fair amount of experience in my adult life and I am happy with it.

I may not have the best job in the world, I may have to catch buses, trains, taxis or walk to and from where I want to go, but I couldn't be happier. No have haven't made my fortune by getting punched in the face, I don't have a degree and I don't teach. I'm not a father yet and I don't know when I will be.

I do have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, a job that I like doing (sure it does my head in every now and then but that's just work). I have the most beautiful woman in the world to call my girlfriend and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Forget about the What Ifs…

The Dinner Party

I think at some point in every persons life, in a group situation usually, you are asked the question; "If you could have any body from history to a dinner party, who would you invite?"

Firstly let me say that I love asking people that question, I think you can get a lot of information about from what they answer. It's also a great conversation starter - I would suggest using it as an ice breaker when you are meeting new people or doing training at work or something. I would be very surprised if everyone answers and there is a lull of silence. I guarantee one person will hear another's list and say "Why such-and-such?"

So there you go a little advice from my very wise self. So now, hopefully you are thinking "I wonder what his are?" and who am I to deny you that. The number of attendees to this dinner party fluctuates somewhat depending on who asks you but as much as I don't like odd numbers (it's an OCD thing) I am going with seven, simply because eight is a great number for a dinner party and you can't discount yourself can you. I will be listing the attendees with an explanation of each, so here goes.

Abraham Lincoln; A lot of people are bemused by my inviting a former American president to the table and I can see why, however, this man is one of few men who literally changed the world. Before Lincoln was President what is now the Untied Sates of America were not united, there was turmoil and the states feuded almost constantly. Not only did Lincoln help shape what would grow into the most powerful country in the world, he opposed slavery and amended the Constitution to end all slavery and slave trade in the United States, he truly believed that all men should be free and lobbied this cause despite knowing that this would harm his political popularity. Abraham Lincoln was one of the greatest advocators of freedom and fairness and in my opinion one of the greatest men to have ever lived.

Bruce Lee; This one seems to come as more an expected response from me. I have always been a fan of martial arts, its philosophy and the fact that it is an art. It is a skill that takes years to master and Bruce Lee truly was a master. Not only was he probably the toughest man in the world in his prime he shaped a lot of culture. He pioneered fight scenes in his films with more than one adversary at a time, his physique led body builders to focus more on definition rather than size because as I'm sure you know, Bruce Lee was ripped. He was also one of the first people to really balance his diet to sustain his training. Similarly to Lincoln, Lee believed that all people were the same; he went against the grain by teaching Gung Fu (what Kung Fu is actually called before Hollywood changed it) to anyone that wanted to learn. Not only that, he conceived a completely new philosophy to fighting focusing on the efficiency of movement and utilising ones strengths. Bruce Lee was one of the worlds greatest thinkers, that sounds far fetched but he was looking to improve himself in every way possible and by doing this affected the way a lot of things work, for proof of this, watch a documentary called How Bruce Lee Changed the World.

Stephen Fry; One thing you may or may not know about him is that he is bipolar. He suffers from manic depression which even resulted in a breakdown. Part of the reason for this is that he doesn't like not being included. He apparently feels lost if he cannot talk to people. So what did Stephen do? He learned everything. Obviously that sounds absurd but it's true. So that he can talk to anybody having any kind of conversation, he learned everything that he could absorb. I think that is remarkable, genuinely. Not only is he one of the most intelligent people I have ever heard about he is unbelievably witty. Intelligent wit is one of the best kinds of wit and he has it in abundance. Inviting Stephen Fry would provide humour, intellectual conversation (which I would probably struggle to keep up with) and millions of interesting facts which we all know I love.

Steven Hawking; Do you ever just look up at the stars? Get lost in how beautiful the night sky is? The universe is to me, the most fascinating subject. Its possibilities are endless. The potential for evolved life across the infiniteness of the cosmos, theories of travelling across it, understanding its beginning… These are all questions that can not be answered, at least in our lifetimes anyway. Steven Hawking is the man that conceptualised several theories about the beginning of the universe as well as many other things that even as I looked at a list of, I didn't understand… This is something that I could talk about for hours and hours even our minute solar system has millions of possible topics of conversation… And trust me if you doubt, our solar system is minute compared to the vastness of the space beyond. We are but a spec on a single grain of sand on a beach where the end is not in sight.

Leonardo Da Vinci; Need I say more? This man invented scissors, tanks, helicopters, planes… The list goes on and the only reason most of his inventions were not made is because the technology required was not available to him. In regards to him being an artist, there is a legend that someone once asked him to prove that he was an artist so he took some parchment or paper and a pencil and drew a perfect circle free-hand. Sound like nothing special? Try it. It's almost impossible. Not only that, he could draw with one hand and write simultaneously with the other. Da Vinci was the truest definition of a Renaissance Man - Ever seen the sketch of the Vitruvian Man? Yep that was Da Vinci too, he was fascinated by the anatomy, drawing accurate representations of joints and muscles that could be used in reference today. This is incredible to me, he lived April 15, 1452 – May 2, 1519 nearly five hundred years ago. Just imagine the things that he could create with the technology and resource we could provide for him today.

J. K. Rowling; A bit of an odd choice I think considering the other guests so far however, she has created one of the greatest fantasy worlds in recent history up there with Middle Earth and the world of The Wheel of Time. I am not a big reader, I wish I was because getting lost in a good book is great, but when it comes to Rowling's Harry Potter series, I have read them all several times. Arguably children's books, they have captured the hearts and minds of older generations also. The world she has created feels real when you read any of those books makes you feel like you are with Harry through all of his adventures. It leads you into wandering what happens next and makes you believe in magic again. I would love to talk about the possibilities of the magical world she had created.

Kelly Clarkson; This is purely because I'm a man and as much as I'm sure they would have some input to the conversations we would be having, they could just sit there and look pretty. And I genuinely love her music, I've seen her live and she has a southern accent so anything she says would sound sexy. And then once the dinner has finished I the wine has been consumed, I can canoodle with her (whichever her it may be).

So there you go, my dinner party. I think that may give you an insight into my brain and you may realise that I'm a tad boring really… The last two were particularly difficult to decide on. The more that I thought about this there were more and more people coming to mind… Randy Couture, Dana White, Marylin Monroe and a few more. Anyway I won't procrastinate, have a think about your guests and let me know.

Breast Please!

Yesterday (31/03/11) was National Cleavage Day. To me that might be the best day in the calendar year and I'm pretty sure a hefty chunk of the male population will agree with me.

Boobs might be the greatest thing in the entire world. There was once a time when it was considered an insult to show off ones cleavage… I am unbelievably glad I do not live in such a time. Although I do think that boobs are also a little bit evil - In a good way obviously.

See, I am in the firm belief that when we are all at school and the girls and boys are separated for sex education that as well as lessons in the safe practices of intercourse, you women are educated in the art of boob-seduction. Yes, I am on to you. I will still more than likely fall for your devious plots but I am still on to you.

You and your eye-drawing cleavage that you claim not to show off on purpose. We all know you do it so that you can get us to say yes to things without realising it. It's not a very nice thing to do you know, we would never flash parts of our penises to try and get you to say yes unintentionally. Mainly because it's a pretty difficult thing to do, I have tried; my trousers just fell down…

One of the things that seem to be impossible for women to understand is that it is nigh on impossible not to look. I'm not joking; it is a conscious and continuous effort not to stare. It's bad enough when they're covered up but when you let those glorious breasts out, it's like torturous.

Yes, yes we know our moms have them but you have to understand, it's your mom. You wouldn't look at your dads penis if it was on show would you? See, it's the same thing. The great thing is that you buy clothes to show them off. Thank you. One thing I've always wondered though, do you buy them thinking "my boobs look good in this" with the intention to show them off or do you just like the top/dress? I bet you would say the latter but I also bet there is a hint of the former…

I think you like to test us as well. Just to see us struggle, watch the tiny beads of sweat drip down our foreheads. Watch us focus so intently on your eyes that we are frowning, all just to see how long we can avoid the glance until we crack under the pressure. Then after all the effort we put in, when you catch us, you frown at us. Sometimes even complain at us "my eyes are up here…", yes I know but they're just so pretty.

Imagine the scenario… We’re in a club/bar/pub of some description. You're at the bar looking all gorgeous with an average amount of cleavage for a night out (obviously I know you don't always have your boobs out but humour me). It's midway through the night about ten-ish so we’ve had some drinks… I come over to you to talk (lets face it, you wouldn't come over to me). You have obviously dressed to attract and yet if I were to look more than once the conversation would turn fairly quickly. No? Hmm… I knew you would have that reaction. It's true though. What? The reaction where you say "No I don't" or "No I wouldn't say anything" and any number of other statements to the same affect. Stop lying because you know you would. You sometimes even say, "I'm used to it", if that's the case, why give me and the rest of the male population so much hassle. I think you should look at the positive side if you're wearing a top that shows your boobs and we look, are you not achieving what you set out to do?

Obviously I know that we are not perfect. There are some men who just gawp. Not that you'll believe me, but I don't do that. I will not deny looking but as I said, boobs are my favourite things in the world, but I don't stare (maybe a little if I'm really drunk). It's taken years of conditioning though, making eye contact and not breaking it is a difficult thing to learn, even if there's no boobs to look at. I'm sure any women I know and see regularly will not attest to this but I don't care, if you do think I stare, please know that I'm desperately trying not too. In fact, if you do think I stare, tell me to stop.

I thought I was actually a little bit sick with boob fever the other week. Everything just made me think of boobs. I even saw the word breast and I have no idea why but it made me laugh. It was a trying time, but I'm past it now.

Boobs are great. If I believed in a god I would thank him for such a wonderful gift to mankind. Instead I will thank Charles Darwin because he came up with the theories of evolution. More importantly I will thank all of you. You wonderful, wonderful women who can make a bad day better just by having boobs, that's facetious but it is true. Walking around and catching a glimpse of ample bosom in a low cut top can really brighten up my day.

I genuinely mean no offence by this post I just thought I would share my love and appreciation. To all of you women out there with boobs, keep doing what you are doing and don't ever stop. And thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

Shape Up?

There has always been a part of me that would like to have the body of Adonis. The perfect figure of a man. I think that every guy has that same sort of ideal physical look. That image has never really gone away because believe it or not girls, men are as conscious as women are when it comes to their bodies.

I'm sure that might be a little bit difficult to understand because you hardly ever hear of a man constantly dieting. Or a guy saying "I think my bum looks big in this" but let me tell you, we think it. To be honest, it's only natural the media purveys the image of beauty the way they think it should be to make us think that they are right and we should look like that. It's one of the worlds biggest businesses and a lot of us buy into it.

I have always been at a fairly consistent weight, usually around 11 stone or there about, that was up until late 2009. For being in the absolute perfect place, I let myself go in a pretty big way. I ballooned up to just over 15 stone. Yes I know that's not enormous or drastically overweight, but I was still overweight. It all hit me when I had to buy the next size jeans up. I have always, and I mean always been a 32" waist. I was at school, all the while during college and all through my years thereafter until around November 2009.

I was getting fat, there was is other way to put it than that. I got comfortable, I lived about 500 paces away from where I work and I indulged myself in more junk food than I care to admit. Worse than getting fat I was continuingly getting bigger. Time to do something about it. I had been a member of a gym for about three years and had stints of going but nothing consistent. I'm pretty lazy as I'm sure I've said before.

Right, gym time. Lets get lifting weights and pounding that treadmill (or cross trainer as I like the arm work-out that goes along with it). Working out is not enough though is it? As simple as this logic is, to lose weight, you have to burn more calories than you intake. What you have to do to lose weight properly is do both and I'll tell you why.

The good thing about me is that I love to learn. If there is something that I can learn about and have the requirement to learn then I can. Every time I had a stint at the gym I would read about the best kinds of ways to increase muscle mass, the best ways to recover, exercises that work specific muscle groups... I could go on. Anyway, it was time to put them all into practice. However as I said, I needed to start eating right too. A big change for me because I'm a man who loves his food. But I did it, in around a month I lost just over a stone.

Pretty good right? The better thing is that I did it properly. I wasn't starving myself but I was dieting. I was probably eating more on a daily basis while I was dieting than I would normally but I was eating the kinds of food that burn fat. Fresh foods and just chicken for meat. Working out at least five times a week, and more if I could squeeze it in sometimes going to the gym twice a day. Now I know that makes me sound a little obsessive and if I'm honest, maybe I was a little, but I got results.

The summer is coming and I am already getting into shape. I love going to the gym. Love it. It is a great feeling the next day when you've slept well because you've physically worn yourself out (not in a bad way) and you're full of beans because you feel good about yourself. It's great, I am now back down to around 12 stone and I can see myself toning up. I eat well most days but I still cant resist the odd 'treat'.

The trick is all about moderation. Making sure your body is digesting properly so that the food you do eat doesn’t stick in your stomach and turn into fat. Protein shake for breakfast is always a good start, works for me anyway. Then there is making sure you don’t overload on fats throughout the day. Diets work but the thing is, if you stop a diet you will most likely put all the weight you lose, straight back on again. So you need to change the way you eat to stay healthy.

I know, who am I to preach to you about losing weight or whatever? I’m nobody and that’s the point. I’m not saying I am as qualified or know nearly enough as a personal trainer but I could get anyone in shape. It’s just a matter of hard work and dedication. Everything is achievable through effort and putting the effort in makes the result all the more worth it.

If you, like me want to look good for the summer, then I say start now because that feeling of looking at someone else thinking “I wish I looked like that” it will happen. Now if you’re comfortable with yourself you have every right to say buggar off you pompous *expletive*. Don’t do it to fit in. Don’t do it because the magazines portray those images, do it if you want to and do it for yourself.

As I said, I don’t know nearly as much as a personal trainer but I managed to do everything that I set out to do. In my opinion, the biggest problem that everybody has is setting goals that seem like mountainous tasks. That becomes daunting and it can become depressive when you don’t start seeing results right away (that’s why I stopped going to the gym before) but it works if you set small and achievable goals. The way I do it is by saying that on certain machines I want to go up weight by the next plate (about 5K) within a month or if that’s too heavy I do more reps at my current weight to increase strength. See what I mean? Just keep going and don’t get perturbed if it, whatever your goal is, doesn’t happen straight away.

It doesn’t matter what it is you want to do, you can do it. I am living proof of that. Not to blow my own trumpet but I decided that I needed to stop myself getting fatter and lose weight and get back to my proper and more proportionate size. I did it. By myself as well. I wish I’d have taken a photo of my rather portly self before I started losing the three stone that I have lost so I could put a before and after perspective on it for you. I didn’t do it for anyone else, I did it for me because I started to notice that I was becoming a chunky monkey for the lack of a better term.

In the long and short of it is that if I can sort my lazy ass out, you lot most certainly can. It takes time and its definitely not easy but you’ve just got to keep trying and you can make it. You can do it. Get your arse down the gym and put some music on that keeps you motivated and there is nothing you can’t do. So here I am, the 2011 white Mr. Motivator telling you to get up and you can do it and if you want, I could help you.

I Do.

Firstly I would like to say that I promise this will be the last soppy post for a while…

Will you marry me? The four most dreaded words a man (usually) will ever say, dreaded only because the endless fear of her saying no is crippling. The fears that if she says yes, it may all end in divorce as so many marriages do. A question that seems to be fading away because 'marriage is an outdated constitution' so never gets asked… I for one believe in marriage and one day I will get down on one knee and say the words.

So why do I believe in marriage? Honestly, because it's the next step. When you are committed to someone and you are at a point where there is nothing or no-one more important to you and you love literally love them with every fiber of your being… It's the only thing left to do. I would want the world to know that no matter what this girl has got me for life, that the ring she put on my finger and the one I put on hers shows everyone that.

Statistically there are around three-hundred-thousand marriages in the UK every year, as unfortunate as it is about forty percent of those marriages end in divorce. But if you ask me a success rate of sixty percent isn't half bad. It's not something I would condemn as not worth it or not working. People break up all the time, it's a sad but true fact, just because they happen to be married doesn't mean that's the reason they broke up.

I have thought about getting married for a long time - No I haven't got wedding magazines in a box somewhere and I haven't pre-decided the flower arrangements. I have imagined standing, facing this woman, who I love with my whole heart and giving her my vows (that I will of course write myself), and saying "I do". The perfect wedding to me is making sure that my bride has everything that she wants. That there is nothing that goes wrong that the day she will have dreamed of for years is exactly as she dreamed it. Who could ask or want for more than that?

It's a lot of time and pressure, and getting married is expensive business but to me it's worth every penny. I can't imagine not getting married either. I am not religious and that creates a bit of a problem for my future wife-to-be because I will not get married in a church or by a priest/vicar/pastor or whatever. Does that mean the wedding my bride may want is something that I can't give her? I hope not, but I think compromise is something that I can do quite well, but I cannot compromise on that…

There are things that I want in my life; I have an outline rather than a plan, but on the top of that list is making the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. To me that means making her feel like there is no-one else in the world, that she is more important than everyone and everything else. She will be that to me everyday, but I want her to feel that for what I will make sure is the most perfect day of her life.

I have seen lots of wedding in films and on TV, who hasn't? I've only really been to a wedding reception before. Not that it bothers me really; it's usually a friend of the family or some distant cousin, but sometimes I would like to see the actual day itself. To get a feel for how the proceedings go, who does what and all that sort of stuff.

There's not just the wedding to think about, there's the reception. The moment that everyone who is there wants to see, the thing the bride looks forward to almost as much as walking down the isle, the first dance. I like to think I can dance, especially when I'm drunk but in reality, I'm not very good. I will absolutely need to take lessons to make sure my hobbit feet don't crush my wife's toes and/or new wedding shoes. There is something magical about that dance, the spotlight, the all but empty dance floor, the music and the camera flashes… That is the first true husband and wife moment to me.

I am hiring a band for the reception. DJ's are fine, there is obviously a much wider selection of music that can be played, people can make requests etcetera but it's not for them, it's for me and the future Mrs. Bennett (name subject to change as I would quite like a new last name I just haven't found one that fits yet). Besides people are going to dance anyway.

As often happens when I write about something personal to me, I have flashes of images that always make me smile. They are visual representations of the emotions I feel when I put my thoughts into words. I honestly wish that I could take them from my mind and insert them into these posts to help you see what I see… Right now I keep seeing the same three images; My beautiful fiancé walking towards me in a white dress with dozens of people smiling at her, the room where we will be holding our reception filled with fairy lights, flowers and all the people who mean the most to us, and me and my imaginary wife standing in the middle of the dance floor under a spotlight looking in each others eyes… she has no real face, but she is smiling at me and I'm smiling right back at her.

By the time the day is all said and done, all the guests are leaving, half being carried out the other half wanting to carry on drinking. When the cake has been eaten and the champagne is all gone and only the few most important people in the world to me remain, that is the moment that it will be the happiest day of not only my wife's life, but mine too. I will stand there in that room, surrounded by the mess of a great celebration with all the people I love and the woman that has made me the happiest man alive. I will sit and reflect with my wife about the day we have just had and laugh with our friends and family about who did what, the bad dancing and the drunken anecdotes... Perfect.

I am unquestionably the kind of guy that wants a happily ever after. And yes I know that's sad but I don't care. I want to be happy every day of my life and I want the person I will be spending every day with to be happy too. Having that perfect and special day is part of that to me; it makes sense, its how all the best stories go. Yes I know that life is no fairytale and yes I know that it takes hard work and compromise to make a life together work. But when I'm grey and old and still waking up to my beautiful wife, I'll know that I've had the happily ever after I was always looking for.

Broody Much?

Right, this one's going to be another soppy one and you have my friend to blame, she has just given birth to her second child and now has two perfect kids. She brought them into the office today and I stood chatting to her holding her baby. Passing women commented and said that it suited me holding a baby - I won't lie, I couldn't stop smiling. As I have mentioned rather consistently in my posts, I am not your average guy, I get broody.

I don't know what it is, one of my friends insists it's an unusually high amount of oestrogen in my body, but I coo like most women when I see a baby. I like kids, I sort of think I don't know how to be around them or what to say but I think I do alright. In fact, I have supporting evidence… but that's beside the point.

My friends' baby started crying in the office as she was getting them ready to leave, I'd already said I'd help her to her car so I picked up the car-seat and started swaying it. Standing there rocking a car-seat with a crying baby in an office draws attention, I don't care who you are. After a few seconds, she stopped crying and I got a little round of applause, I must be a natural.

I get broody, not only because babies are cute and make cute little noises and stuff, but because I want to be a dad. If I could convince some woman to want to have a baby with me now, I would. Well obviously we would have to wait around nine months, but you know what I mean. I know most men see themselves as a father at some point in their lives and usually have an idea how many kids they would like, but I've never known another guy get broody like me before.

It just get's me thinking about being older and stuff and reading bedtime stories or teaching my kids to ride a bike or how to swim - all that sort of stuff. I'm almost twenty-five and when I was younger I thought I'd have two kids by now, I don't think I'm too young to have children but I am probably not in the right place in my life. Still being there to see my own son or daughter grow up in front of my eyes never fails to make me smile.

First laugh, first steps, first words, first day at nursery and all that. I am obviously aware that it's not easy, sleepless nights incredibly smelly nappies… none of that scares me in the slightest. I want to get up in the middle of the night and let my girlfriend/fiancé/wife rest (as much as possible) while I change or feed and get the baby back to sleep. I want to be able to say that I'm a great dad because that's something I know I will be. My future kids and their mum will be the centre of my world and I will be doing everything for the rest of my life to be the best boyfriend/fiancé/husband and father I can be.

I have images in my mind of dropping off my kids for their first day of school and being there to pick them up. As I put that into words I have a mixture of feelings and emotions, I have a sense of pride as my imaginary little boy or girl walks into class. There is a bit of fear because I'm hoping that they are ok and have a good time. Is it strange that even thinking about these things has an affect on me? Is it odd that I think about them at all?

I know that I'll be proud of my kids no matter what and I know that I will love them more than I can even comprehend. But one thing I do know is that they will teach me as much as I will teach them. You can read all the books and go to all the classes but even without being a parent I know that you are never truly ready for what your first baby brings you. I keep smiling as I write this because I am so looking forward to the biggest lesson of my life.

I have an unusual amount of experience with pregnancies too, my ex girlfriend's sister was pregnant while we were together and I would sit there with her listening to her baby's heartbeat through a monitor. I have seen the mood-swings and think I did a pretty good job of cheering her back up when she was down. I sat next to my friend at work through both of her pregnancies and listened to her talk about the things that she was afraid of. I know that all women are different and that all pregnancies are different too, but I think I'll be well prepared - at least a little any way.

I even want to be able to go and get whatever my pregnant partner wants or needs. I will be a guy you can depend on. I will be a guy you will be proud to say is going to be the father of my child. People have things that they are good at or things that they believe they were meant to do. I honestly think that I will be such a great dad because I was born to do it. I am going to love my kids so much, and I know they are going to love me. I can see them (I'm smiling again) running to me with their arms wide open wanting to be picked up and squeezed. And I tell you what; I am always going to be there.

There are things that you learn from life whether it is from a good or bad experience that you know you will never forget. I think it is your job to pass on this knowledge to you children so they are able to make choices and know the risks they want to take. Life is a lesson and you never stop learning, an experience that is different for us all and that makes us all special. My kids won't have the same life as me and they won't be exactly like me either but I know they'll be great because hey, they'll have me as dad.

I've always been the settle down kind of guy; I used to browse Argos catalogues when I was younger and look at furniture. I always knew that I wanted a family and the more my life moves forward the more I want that. I can't make it happen, when it does, it does. Whenever the world falls into place and fate decide that me and the lucky (or stupid, depending on your perspective) woman I'm with are ready, it really will be the greatest lesson I will ever learn.

Maybe it's that my dad was a complete and utter waste of space and I know how not to be a father, maybe it's because my mom is one of the most amazing women I have ever known and raised me to be the man I am today. Whatever the reasons, I want to take all the knowledge I have from my measly twenty-five years and counting and give to a little person that will call me dad. I want to be able to teach them everything I know and make sure that they can always come to me whenever they need anything.

To my future wife; I promise that I will make you proud and happy to call me the father of your children. I promise that no matter how crazy you get or irrationally mad or upset, I will be there to be yelled at or cried to. I promise that you will always have a pillar of support and I will always be by your side.

To my future children; I promise that there will never be a day that you don't know how much I love you. I promise that whenever you need me, I will be there. I promise to keep you safe when you are scared. I promise that you will always be the most important thing in my life, no matter what.

Best Friends...

I am very lucky. I am glad to say that I don't have that many friends. I am glad of this because the friends I do have are the beat kinds of friends and you know who you are. I have mentioned in the past that I am not the strongest person in the world, nor am I the most intelligent. I am not the funniest or the most popular but what I am is friendly. And that is very important to me.

Everyone has friends that they lose, its a sad but very true fact. I think back to the friends I had when I was in my teens and at school and college. They all meant something to me and they all helped shape me into the person that I am today. Some more than others but never the less, memories stay with you and when I look back I smile. Often times I forget the earliest friendships I had in high school because the latter part was such a huge part of my life (even though it was only two years). I had a friend that I went on holiday to Lanzerote with, for some reason or another our friendship didn't last past year eight. I had a friend who protected me once from a fight that I would certainly have been beaten up in and years later I end up working with his brother.

Then I met a girl who was to help me discover who I am. I will never lie about the fact that I was completely in love with her, I never lied to her about it even then. She had a huge personality that a lot of people didn't get, but we were as close as two friends could be. We had the kind of friendship where we didn't actually need to do anything to have a good time, sitting in her room listening to music was cool. I was somewhat of a loner before year nine when we started hanging out, I had friends as I said but I still didn't really talk to that many people. All of a sudden I could never understand why I didnt and almost overnight I new everyone. It was thanks to her that I started becoming social and having a good circle of friends. Although circumstances as they were, we lost touch after school and I sort of lost that flare.

Whilst in college I hung out with a guy who lived just over the road from our house. He was a bit younger than me so I kind of felt like a big brother, not that he needed one, he was fearless. I was introduced through him to a new circle who must have come to my house every day for about two years. Then as college continued and I got a girlfriend, there was kind of a stop gap in friends.

It was an odd time, we saw each other every single day for almost three years and because of that I lost touch with a lot of my friends, not because we fell out or that I wasn't allowed to see them or anything, my life just took a different turn. It wasn't until I started working at the job I had before my current one that I started becoming socially active if you like. Where I worked there was a pub just round the corner and a group of us would go for a drink at lunch and just generally have a laugh. After I was fired from that job, yes I got fired, after a short lull I got the job I am in now. It took me about two months to find my groove and come out of my shell. I became myself again, not that I hadn't been all along but I thrive on people, I am not really an attention seeker but I like being the centre of attention. I started going out a hell of a lot more and drinking with my new found group of friends.

Without realising it we had become a miniature family, we saw each other almost every day and we all became quite close. While I was becoming closer to my friends I was actually, unconsciously, distancing myself from my girlfriend at the time. Obviously this caused arguments between us, I wasn't really being fair and I moaned when she wanted to come out with us saying that they were my friends. Either way we broke up and I moved back home for a while, I still went out and got drunk with my friends and I was having a great time at work. It was a fairly full couple of months but I won't go into detail.

I am going to fast forward a little to continue this as I have gone in to a little bit more detail than I initially thought I would. I have been meaning to talk about my best friends throughout this but it seemed pertinent to provide you with some back story but anyway, I have four best friends. As always I will not name names but they will all know who they are.

The first is a man who is knowledgeable, generous, and when he is being serious almost always talks sense. He is the perfect example of a confidant, never wanting to tell you what you don’t want to hear but sitting down with a pin the is always ready to give advice and be honest. His opinion is of the highest regard to me and what he thinks means something. He is one of best people I have in my life and although I don’t see him nearly as much as I used to, I know we will be friends for a very long time. I would like to tell you that I love you.

The second is a girl who is like the big sister I never had. She is smart and funny, honest and always willing to lend an ear. She has been a pillar of support not just for me but for someone else very important to me and I will always be grateful to her. I love that no matter how bummed out she may be for whatever reason, I somehow have the ability to make her smile and that is always a smile worth seeing. I have so much respect for her that I cannot even begin to express it. I would like to tell you my sweet that I love you.

The third is another girl. I do not see this one as much as I’d like, she is a very busy person and always up to something. She is one of the funniest people I know and usually because I’m laughing at her more than anything else, in a good way of course though. The best thing about her is that she is unfailingly loyal and without any insult to anyone else who may read this I feel as though I could tell her almost anything. She is one of the people I struggle through the day without talking to. I would like to tell you chicken pie that I love you.

The last and probably one of the most important people in my life. As you read this I hope you know that without you I would not have coped the last six months or so. I cannot express how much I appreciate what you have done for me. I know I have said this to you in the past and I daresay I will tell you again, but I do not think of you as my friend any more. You are my brother. You are continuously helping me grow into a man by always knowing exactly what to say in almost any situation. You have put up with me whining and pulled me out of a slump. You are without a shadow of a doubt the best friend that anyone could ask for and I look forward to one day having you stand next to me at an alter as my best man and being godfather to my future kids. I would like to tell you that I love you, brother.

There are more people that I consider close friends and I don’t want to take anything away from any of you because you all mean the world to me. I have been wanting to write about my friends for some time but I always put it off because I knew I wouldn’t get it right; I will never be able to put down into words but who can? What I would like to say is that everyone has a best friend or maybe a couple or maybe more, but I would ask that even if you just do it this once, tell them how much they mean to you. If they have done something for you that nobody else has ever done or saved you from some sort of crisis or sat and listened to you snivelling, just tell them how important that is.

Still Growing Up

I am not old, I'm not young, although I could be considered either depending on who I'm talking to. I am not by any means a man though, I have lived a fairly complicated life since I spread my wings and flew from the nest. It hasn't been bad, it has been full of mountains to clamber up, but seas to sail peacefully also. I have a fair few problems with myself, I may joke about it but I am far from perfect. One of my biggest problems is that I am not good at making decisions. I usually like to think I'm pretty smart and usually I am but there are times when I realise exactly how immature a nearly-twenty-five year old can be.

Part of the reason that I struggle with making decisions is because I don't like to say no to people. Not just no, but anything of a negative connotation. I just like to make people happy and smile and if it's not going to hurt me then why should I say no? It's very hard to do something as simple as doing what's best for you if that's not something you've ever done before. That is something I need to address and it's a very tenuous link to the actual subject of this post.

These thoughts come from a situation I find myself in regarding my bank account and the amount of stress I went through to try and sort it out. I have not been living in the place where my bank account is registered for some time now and as stupid as it may be I never thought about changing the address because 1. I am only lodging with my friend at the moment and it was easier for him that it is as though I don't actually live here 2. I use paperless banking so I do not have any statements sent to me and my bank never needs to send me any letters.

Ironically this all came to bite me in the ass on payday. I actually have two accounts but the one that my wages go into is rarely used, anyway I took went to the cash point and tried to withdraw money and the message said something about the issuer not authorising the transaction. My initial thought was that I had not been paid so that was the first thing I checked and sure enough in the blinding brightness of my monitor at work were numbers proving that I had indeed been paid. So I knew I had to go into the bank and see what was up.

I was sweating at the potential problems I could be in because as I mentioned, I do not live at the address my account is registered to. I also have no proof that I live where I do now because technically I don't live there. My only photo ID has another address on it altogether because I never needed to change that either (my provisional drivers licence - I couldn't afford a car even if I passed my test so I thought why bother). I was breathing heavy and panicking because I couldn't see a problem with my account but how would I fix it if there was one?

It transpires that a new debit card had been sent to me at my old address and that they would have to send a new one as the type of card I tried to use has been cancelled due to a card update. As the woman on the desk said these words she removed my card from the reader and snapped it telling me my new one would be with me in five working days. As I had to confirm my address and stuff she didn't ask me any questions and ordered a new one anyway. I must have looked outwardly distraught because obviously I was never going to receive this card either. I didn't know how to backtrack and explain my situation so I smiled and left walked around the corner and sat next to my friend.

Ninety nine out of a hundred times you will see me, you would see a beaming confident person because usually that's just me. This was one of the other times, my brain stopped working, I could feel my heart pounding with the increased panic that seemed to be coursing through every vein and artery in my body. While I was struggling through this internally I was explaining what had just happened to my friend. He told me what I knew I had to do, which of course was to go back in and tell them about the situation I am in and why I hadn't changed my address.

I had got to do this, and it shouldn't be a difficult thing to do, but trust me, I was almost paralysed with fear. For about five minutes I sat there idly playing with the strap on my gym bag. It's all I could do because all the other workings of my brain were going into the necessary mental preparation I needed to go back in and talk to that woman again. Except when I managed to stand up and make it back into the bank, because there was a queue another woman came to help me and she took me into an office. I must have looked ghostly, there was no blood in my face, I new this because it was filling up in my heart which I was sure was about to explode. The gym bag over my shoulder seemed to be filled with lead and every single step I took seemed harder. This was it, they were going to close my account and I was going to be broke. As the woman sat down at the computer, I realised she had a kind face but she had a stern look in her eyes that only got sterner as I explained my current living situation and the predicament I was in.

No more than three minutes later she had sent the change of address form through their systems and told me it would be five working days to be changed and I would need to come back in then and re-order my new card. Again I smiled, said thank you picked up my gym bag which all of a sudden felt lighter than air, and walked back around the corner to my friend. I let out an audible sigh of relief but believe me I was still stressed.

I know that the whole thing was a big nothing really and it shouldn't have affected me as much as it did, and I hope the way I've written it sort of purveys the sense of fear I was getting. I have never fully grown up. I can do things for myself, I'm not a child but for me things like that are the scariest things in the world. I have the same fear when it comes to making phone calls, even to people I know, because I have a fear of the unknown. Situations that are out of my control and out of the sanctuary of the norm like work or at home and I am lost. All of those senses go wild and I even get a small rush of adrenaline.

Every time I have to do something that almost every person that reads this will think to be melancholy, I grow up a little bit more. I have less worries and stress about the things that you have to do and I take another step at being grown up and being able to make the right decisions and not worry about saying no to people if that's what needs to be said. Being an adult just means that you are old enough to be treated so in the eyes of the law and the laws of our country. Being grown up means you are responsible.

I am not old, I'm not young, but I still have a lot of growing up to do.