Goddamn Online

The age that we live in is one of the World Wide Web. This ingenious invention is the most important of the 20th century (arguably at least). People spend hours a day carousing sites of general interest and usually porn, I am most definitely guilty of both of these things. Facebook is a good example of the way the internet has evolved the way we keep in contact with our 'friends' and in extremes the rest of the world. I am facebooker to boot - I like updating my status with anecdotes and general rubbish about the standing of my life at any given time. I like to read the comments of others and in turn comment on anything that I think is funny or interesting. The whole thing is amazing - the internet opened up a whole new branch of advertising 'click here to get free stuff' - I was stupid enough to fall for one of those but it's rare you find a website that has no form of advertising which makes me feel a little bit for newspapers because they are ever so slowly becoming obsolete. In my opinion they only exist because the older generation are not computer literate and like to have something to read while they spend a third of their day trying to let go of the Sunday roast they ate four days previous.

The information is obviously used for more than just the unequivocal need for information sharing. As well as the incredible amounts of knowledge that you can gain from going to the relevant sites and studying the things you want to know more about you can also share your opinions on forums and pointlessly argue with people you will never meet on the other side of the planet. Often times these forums are ridiculously funny and one can waste those precious hours laughing at hypocrites who bicker because other member of said forum doesn't instantly agree with their opinion. Those people are stupid, but where would we be without the idiocracy? Still if I thought that it would be a worthwhile endeavour I would absolutely join in some of these online discussions as I obviously only ever read the things that I have any sort of interest in, but alas there is no real point getting into a 'debate' with a tirade of utter dolts. Again, I hasten to say how much of a wonder this online wonderland is. E-mails are a fantastic example of how bizarre this ingenious invention is, I can write some gibberish on a sort of imaginary piece of paper and send it instantaneously anywhere in the entire world. How incredible is that? As a culture we have become to depend upon the internet and I for one cannot imagine how a thing worked before it was around, it genuinely baffles me. But alas I digress (trust me I could ramble on about this 9th wonder of the world), this all started out fairly fluffy and nice, but I actually have a real gripe with the internet and it's adaptation into social activity and normality.

One of the things that millions (literally millions) of people spend large parts of their lives doing is a semi brilliant thing called online dating. I have nothing against people who do this, I honestly don't - I am under no illusion as to finding someone is easy. I know it's difficult, I'm not going to go into my personal history - it's a whole other story and I doubt anyone has got that long. No I think I'll concentrate on the annoyances that come from dating sites. My first one comes with one site that I keep seeing an advert for men and women in uniforms, but you don't have to work in public service or wear a uniform to join, it's just if you like uniforms. Well for a start if anyone can join it, how does that make it a target audience? Secondly and again I have nothing against this but doesn't it sort of make it a little bit of a fetish site at the same time? Advertising is brilliant sometimes but I don't know about anyone else but I think that is just plain stupid. Stop trying to come up with fancy new ideas and just say it like it is.

Another one and this one REALLY gets me. Personality tests. Honestly? These things are just so fixable and interchangeable it's unreal. I actually really like the idea of them, no really I do. My problem with them is that you have to fill in this random form to sign up for these dating sites to 'find your best matches'. It's like the drunk affect, if your happy when you start drinking you are going to be a very happy drunk, on the other hand if you walk into a pub like you've just seen Death outside you are going to be a miserable excuse for a human being after you've had a few. The same principle applies to personality tests, depending upon your mood at the point in which you are filling it in your answers will generally differ. How then, are the geniuses that run the fabulous little algorithms that find your matches supposed to be right in any way shape or form? I guarantee most people don't consider that when they start entering their card details for 12 monthly payments. And yes I know that you don't have to pay for them all. Do you see my point? I'm sure that some of you may have even given up reading by now because you think I might be talking utter tripe, if you are still reading - look it up. Use the internet the way I do, to help make you understand things with more clarity.

We almost come to the conclusion of my almost rant and opinion stressed post but this one is really up there. Right, imagine that you are sitting in a waiting room. It's just you and a member of your opposite sex (or the same if you are so inclined). You catch each others eye a few times with a little smile to go with it. Finally either you or they say 'Hi' - it's your scene it doesn't matter. Leading from the initial name exchanges and the hello's and how's it goings that everyone seems to do when meeting someone new, generally when either of you gets called you will be left smiling and wondering wanting to have that again so when you come out or they come back into the waiting room you exchange numbers and then let the story play out in your mind. Again, I stress that I know that it is not that easy, however I'm sure you know the feeling I'm talking about. What if you have that feeling but it's entirely apathetic? Now I would like to set something straight. I like talking through e-mails and text and office communicator chats and even facebook chat when it actually works but, and this is a big one, I understand how different people are via chat and how different I am depending upon who I'm talking to. This is not because I treat people differently or I talk differently, I just react in different ways to the different personalities I am communicating with. Either way I don't let myself be carried away with it all and by no means do I think I 'know' any of these people. I am able to detach myself and understand that it is not talking. You get to know someone by interacting with them on a personal level, by putting your foot in it and seeing how easy it is to get yourself out of it and make silly comments that might offend that person. These are things you will never get from reading a conversation. It's too hard to convey tone for a start. Ruddy tone.

My overall message is do not give in to the trickery that is internet dating. It can work and to anyone who reads this who has found their significant other online I am honestly happy for you. But to everyone who is considering it. Don't do it. Call your friends and go out. If you meet a friend of a friend you might find it. If you accidentally fall into someone on a dance floor because you've had one too many, you might find it. Someone might be brave enough to introduce him/'herself and offer you a drink, hopefully those people won't use some god awful chat up line. I have only heard one good one ever and none of the women I know think its any good. The internet is a fantastic thing, a marvel that amazes me on a daily basis however it is not, nor will it ever be the focal point of my life.