Who Am I?

It's a difficult question if you ask me, which clearly you don't need to because I'm asking myself. I often wonder who I really am because different people and situations breed different sides of me. That in itself isn't really shocking, almost everyone is like that even if they don't admit it. Still, why does it cause me so much confusion?

I hope by getting this down I can gain some clarity on the/my situation and potentially inspire thought in you as you read this. For me, my questions come when I'm at home by myself and that's a good place to start I think because let me tell you, I am not designed to be by myself. Have you ever seen Jerry Maguire? There's a great scene in that film that resonates with me... He is thrown a 'surprise' party (I think it's for his birthday) but some of his friends think it will be funny to get all of his ex-girlfriends to say something about him and they play the video. They all sort of say how great he is and blah blah blah but, they all start saying the same thing. That Jerry Maguire can't be alone.

At first when I saw that I thought nothing of it, but because I'm a bit of a girl and like my chick-flicks, I have seen that film probably a dozen times and every time I watch it that scene impacts me more. Are the women on the vidoe saying that he can't be alone as in single alone or just alone in his own company? Now I know as a matter of fact that I am a relationship kind of guy, I love having someone to come home to, someone to spoil as much as I'm able, someone who's eyes I can look into and tell them that I love them. That's just me. Looking at the other side of it though, I am also a very social person and I really don't like being by myself.

As I write this I have another eight days off work, which is ironic because a large portion of that time, sadly I will be alone. I know... diddums right? Going back to my original question, this is where I start to wonder, I have a lot of time to think and the more I do the more my imagination gets away from me. I start thinking about what it would be like if I won the lottery and didn't have to worry about bills anymore. I start to wonder if I'll sell my script (when I eventually finish it) and win an Oscar for best screenplay. Who doesn't do that right? Thing is, I am always a bigger or better version of whoever I am. In these endless wonderings of fantastical circumstances I am never the person I am now.

Automatically you may think that I'm miserable in some way, there are things that could make me happier there is no question of that, but all in all I'm content with my lot. So what is it then? Why can't I be by myself and be in my own company? Why do I change and blend into whatever situation I'm in? I think a part of it may be thinking that I'm not the person think I am. Which is fairly odd because people like me, I don't mean to brag but they do. I could probably count the number of people I know don't like me on one hand (unless there are a lot of fake people who are good at lying).

I know I'm insecure, I don't think many people notice it but that just means I'm doing a good job of hiding it I suppose. Is that a good thing? I do think we're getting somewhere though. I reckon that only people who either have none or can let go of their insecurities can truly be themselves. So then maybe that means that until I/we can do that, we are just fooling everyone and pretending to be something we're not until we can overcome our insecurities.

So if people like me, are they liking a projection of who I think I should be depending on the situation, person or people? I know this is the case (or at least I do now) so what still bothers me is why I need to be around people and/or have people to talk to. I think I've established that I'm a multitude of different people depending upon my circumstance (maybe I have schizophrenia) so maybe I like to exercise each of those sides of me because they are too different to be rolled into one. Therein I believe lies my problem, potentially I am distracted by small pieces of me per person I am with so that it affects me on a more serious level, maybe seduces me into making decisions based on my mentality at the time.

Now I never make rash decisions, I am far too logical for that. As I am re-reading this it seems like I am in some way suggesting that this may be in part the fault of my friends, so if you are my friends and have got this far I am not blaming you, I love you all. A question I have just asked myself is something I said earlier and that is "does it actually matter?" Does it? Is it a problem that my friends invoke different things in me? Here is a list of people I am;
A film critic
Someone to watch funny TV with
A comedian
A flirt
A 'leader'
An advisor
Someone who is always the butt of the jokes

And there are more but difficult to write down and as I wrote that list and thought of the different aides of me, I sit here with a smile on my face. I have realised who I am, I am the person that will cheer you up, make you laugh, make you smile and that's never a bad thing. I am rarely all of those people in the same day and I don't think ever at the same time - I'd probably explode - but that is all if me.

So my original question and a massive puzzle has been solved. I am who I need to be, when I'm needed and who I'm needed for. And in answering that problem I answered the other thing I was asking... The reason I can't be alone and I don't like it is because I miss everyone who makes me be me. I miss having someone to bounce jokes off and laugh with. So if I e-mail, text or call you (call might be few an far between because we all know I don't like using the phone), think yourself lucky and special because at that moment and at that time I am missing you more than anyone else.